


Apprentice

by notcrindy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, idk what else yet i will add as i go, major character doesnt always mean sympathetic character so dont worry, um this fic obviously is going to have abuse in it so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-12 15:24:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13550142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrindy/pseuds/notcrindy
Summary: Sazed was a tremendously busy man, and he didn’t have time for this shit. But the woman had flagged him down and promised him an absurd amount of money.“Is he, uh, okay?” Sazed asked. The elf tagging along with her looked dazed and confused like he didn’t really know what he was doing here. “Look, if you’re trying to just dump your--um--your trash onto me, it won’t work. I won’t have that shit, lady.”“I promise you, he’ll be okay. He’s perfectly okay. He’s a phenomenal cook. I’ve heard about you, from um, ‘Sizzle it Up with Sazed?’ You’re quite the sensation, aren’t you?”“Yes, yes, I’m extremely impressive. But are you sure he can cook?”(Taako hitches his wagon to a certain star.)





	1. Prologue

Sazed was a tremendously busy man, and he didn’t have _time_ for this shit. But the woman had flagged him down and promised him an _absurd_ amount of money.

“Is he, uh, okay?” Sazed asked. The elf tagging along with her looked dazed and confused, like he didn’t really know what he was doing here. “Look, if you’re trying to just dump your--um--your trash onto me, it won’t work. I won’t have that shit, lady.”

The lady took a deep breath. “I promise you, he’ll be okay. He’s perfectly okay. He’s a phenomenal cook. I’ve heard about you, from um, ‘Sizzle it Up with Sazed?’ You’re quite the sensation, aren’t you?”

“Yes, yes, I’m _extremely_ impressive,” Sazed waved a hand nonchalantly. “But are you sure he can cook?”

The woman turned to the elf. “You can cook, can’t you, Taako?”

“Yes,” the elf answered, and then: “Of _course_ I can cook. I’ve been cookin’ since I was fuckin’ tiny. I’m good for it. Is this a job opportunity?”

“Of sorts,” said the woman. She held him close, looking into his unfocused eyes. “You’re going to be okay, Taako. I love you. I’m leaving now.”

She was in tears as she kissed the elf on the forehead.

And then she just… ...left.

“What a weird woman,” said the elf dismissively. “So do I got a job, or?”

It would be good press, Sazed thought, to take this elf in. He was struggling lately to captivate an audience, and he did need something new and fresh. The elf, by all accounts, was _very_ attractive. Very pretty, as most elves were, and from the vacant look in his eyes Sazed could glean that he was pretty much ready to do anything. Would do anything, which would be helpful for an apprentice.

“Why not,” Sazed said, inviting the elf on board. “Don’t make yourself too comfortable.”

“Oh, that uh, shouldn’t be a problem,” the elf assured him. “I, uh, I never make myself comfortable anywhere, because…” He trailed off, like he didn’t quite know the rest of his story. “...because… ...um, oh. What? Because I’ve been on the road since I was--since I was young, y’know. I won’t take any of your shit for-granted or anything like that.”

Hmm. A desperate street urchin. “So you’re homeless?”

The elf thought about it, but his eyes were still far away. Sazed was earnestly somewhat spooked. “I guess,” he finally concluded, shrugging. “I dunno what else I would be called.”

“But you _can_ cook.”

“Oh, hell yeah, homeslice. Want me to make you somethin’?”

He wanted something difficult. “Beef consummé.” If he was going to take on some strange mentally defective homeless elf, then he was going to make the elf do the work. “If you’re a skilled cook, I shouldn’t have to tell you what you’d need to make it.”

“Nope. Y’got beef bones, I’m assuming?”

“Yes. I’ll leave it up to you to locate them.”

The elf found them. “Got a heavy-bottomed roasting pan?”

He seemed to know what he was doing with that one, but maybe he was a one trick pony. Maybe he’d memorized that one, those first few steps, but throwing him off-script would make it harder. “Never mind.”

“Never mind?” The pretty elf stepped back, ears perking up.

“No, I’m more in the mood for a soufflé, I think.”

The elf took a deep breath. “ _Oof_ , okay. That’s a tricky one too. You’re testing me, but Taako’s got this, no worries.” He was already rifling around for the necessary ingredients, not looking for the least bit worried that he might not be able to pull it off, and Sazed couldn’t tell whether it was because he was so unaware of his surroundings or if he were actually _confident_ in his abilities. It intrigued him.

“Your name is Taako?”

“Yup. Great job figuring _that_ one out, Einstein,” he said sarcastically, preheating the oven.

Oh, well… ... _that_ wouldn’t do, would it. He had no idea who Einstein was, but sarcasm left such a bitter taste in his mouth, and he’d rather not deal with shit like that. He walked over while the elf was distracted buttering the dish and pushed him up against the oven, the dish clattering as it hit the floor.

Taako was far away, confused, cocky? Perhaps. But terrified already. “Hey man, I uh, I was just--um, goofing with you, you know? That was just like, a bit, you know? But you don’t appreciate those, I--I get it.”

“I will _not_ ,” Sazed spat, “be treated this way by _a street rat_ . You are to address me formally and with _respect,_ also. I am your _superior_ and you _will_ refer to me as such. Are we understood?”

“I mean, street rat’s kinda harsh, but--”

He slapped him, just a little, to get the point across.

It sent the elf to the floor.

“No, I um, I totally get it. No worries. I uh, I won’t--I um, I--we’re crystal clear, my guy.”

There was very real terror written on this elf’s face now, and Sazed felt a little better. It was clear the elf was _incredibly_ talented, given how set he was to make such complicated dishes off the spot, and he could also be viewed as charitable for taking someone like Taako in, in the first place. Plus, people would like the sight of him onstage; Sazed would like it also. With the proper respect instilled in him, Taako could be very useful.

“Then we’ll be absolutely fine together, you and I.”

He helped Taako up. 


	2. Chapter 1

Taako had been a street urchin his whole life.

It prepped him for a lot of shit, taught him a lot of shit. This wasn’t Taako’s first caravan, which reassured him. As he stepped on board and was told to make various complicated dishes, he didn’t even flinch. Some part of him had _always_ been doing this, always been rifling around for ingredients and just rolling with whatever came up next. He was good at that, thinking quick on his feet; he was good at that, ‘til he got knocked to the floor.

Even that, though, didn’t catch him off-guard. Maybe he was a little intimidated, yeah, underneath all the weird detachment he felt, but it wasn’t his first time working for someone like _that,_ either. So the guy didn’t appreciate sarcasm, didn’t have a sense of humor about himself; Taako could internalize that no problem, nbd. He’d watch his tongue, keep his head down, and prob be rolling in gold in no time ‘cuz it seemed like this dude was pretty loaded.

It was fine, even as he felt the bruise form on his cheek. Just fine. Not his first, probably not his last.

“Is there anything you, um, _need_ me to do? Or…?”

His employer was distracted. “Well, you could stop following me for a few moments. Why is it you go wherever I go, like a lovesick puppy? Have you always been a fan of mine?”

 _Had_ he been following Sazed? Taako was surprised to find that he had been, and maybe a little flushed. Blood rushed to his ears and his cheeks as he looked down at his own feet, at how little space he put between himself and this other man, and he silently berated himself for being so _weird._ It must’ve been that Sazed was a looker; it was easy to see why he had such a following, because he was handsome and he was rich, but he still should’ve known better than to just match every single one of his footsteps.

Taako was accustomed to being alone, so he shouldn’t have _needed_ to follow anyone. When he took a step back, it felt wrong and dissonant, and he didn’t know why. “Sorry,” he managed, words far away and tone of his voice flat. “I uh, I’m not usually like this. Must just be a lil, um… ...starstruck, is all.” He was rambling a little now, maybe. “N-Not often someone can say they’re working for somebody _famous,_ huh?”

“Ah,” Sazed said. “Well, that’s more than forgivable, elf. But I would appreciate if you’d grant me space in the future, hm?”

“Read you loud ‘n’ clear,” Taako confirmed, throwing an “okay” sign up. He’d never seen one of this guy’s shows. He’d never even _heard_ of the guy, actually, but he wasn’t about to play that hand right now after a playful jab landed him on the floor. “No worries. Taako respects, uh, other people’s boundaries. ‘Specially if they’re rolling in dough.”

Hysterically, nervously, he laughed.

Sazed didn’t.

“Good. Now that we have that established, if you could work on cleaning the dish you soiled with butter, that would be excellent. In fact, while I’m planning the next show, you could work on _all_ the dishes.”

Not the most _exciting_ work or good use of his talents, but what the hell, he probably had to work his way from the bottom up. “You got it, chief. I’ll, uh, I’ll get right on that.”

When Sazed moved, Taako moved. He whipped back, raising an eyebrow.

What the fuck was _wrong_ with him? Taako stepped back again, giving Sazed plenty of good distance, before setting to work washing the dishes. It was a mindless and menial enough task that he could let his mind drift, feeling the groove of the dishes and the soap against his hands. It was starting to occur to him, maybe, that he wasn’t exactly one hundred percent sure what he was doing here. He’d never heard of this guy’s act, so why did he approach? No, that was right--he _had_ heard of him before, buzz had been generating on the streets and he knew he’d get enough cash if he could track this dude down, okay.

What was he doing… ...right before this? His mind felt like glossing over something important, and the more he started to question it, the more he felt a headache forming. He had to have been doing something _right before this,_ even if it was just some basic wandering. Where had he been staying before? Even as his mind asked the questions, his mind attempted to fill in blanks that it couldn’t quite do. Even as he wondered and wandered, he knew there was a Before to this. He knew enough to tell you he’d been alone on the road pretty much his whole life, that he’d had to look out for numero uno ever since he was twelve years old, and he could kind of tell what he was doing right before this if he tried to use context clues.

But there was nothing _concrete_ for him there. He couldn’t figure out how he got from point A to point B, or where the fuck point A even was. It didn’t matter, his mind sang, scrubbing dishes and drying them off and stacking them up nice. Taako wasn’t one to question fate when it actually managed to hand him something good, and working for a celeb like this pretty much ensured that he hit the jackpot, as far as he was concerned.

As he was musing, he went to go pass a dish off to be dried to someone else--he could’ve _sworn_ there’d be someone else. Static buzzed in his ears and everything got real hazy, and he lost track of what was happening long enough to be jarred back into the present by Sazed’s furious voice.

“That is _extremely_ expensive porcelain, you idiot,” he spat. Taako swallowed hard and realized that--that he’d dropped a dish? That it was broken on the floor, that Sazed was right in front of his face, all attractive and blustering sharp edges and angles. “What is _wrong_ with you?”

“Uh, uh,” Taako stammered, “look, it’s uh -- it’s like you said. I’m--I’m an idiot. Sorry. I uh, I dunno. That dish got away from me, I--but it won’t happen again. I’ll clean it up, ‘kay? We’re cool, ‘kay? No worries.”

Taako didn’t particularly have a _problem_ with being hit again. He was used to shit like that from various people, and after awhile it was easy to grow numb to it. He’d been smacked around a lot as a kid for being out of turn, out of line, stealing bread from the wrong vendor. The trick was to just sort of endure it, to kind of turn your brain all the way off long enough not to feel the hurt. It wasn’t anything outrageously awful to him, and he realized he wasn’t even particularly _scared_ of this new man as much as he was disappointed in himself. He could get hit a million times, no bigs, but realizing that he’d always been… ...been like this, been stupid. Been clumsy and stupid and just not that bright, he--

He should’ve been grateful just to get an opportunity like this at all.

Sazed loomed large over him and eyed him suspiciously, but didn’t move to strike him. “Good. You’re very lucky to have an opportunity like this, you know, Taako. Someone in your… ...condition would ordinarily have a very hard time finding and receiving work. I assume that’s been your situation.”

Yeah, sure, probably. That had to be right because something was wrong with him--because something was wrong with the way Taako thought about things. Something was wrong with the headaches and the buzzing, something was wrong with the way he couldn’t figure out exactly how he got here, something was wrong with how he’d tried to pass a plate over to the air. He couldn’t think his way out of a goddamn paper bag--nothing made _sense._ He was an idiot, and this soothed him; this explained a lot already.

“Boy howdy,” he agreed, “don’t you know it! I… I dunno, I have… ...trouble. Figuring out what’s, um. Going on, you know? Going down.”

“Mhm.” Sazed was looking at him thoughtfully. “I can see that. Well, you’re a very fortunate elf, Taako. Because I have sympathy for your plight; I can tell that your life has been a struggle. I’m willing to make that a little better, but you must _cooperate,_ hm?”

“Yup,” he echoed mindlessly. “Cooperation. Got it. No, uh, no problems. So no more, uh, ouchies.”

“That’s correct,” Sazed confirmed. “If you do as I say, and prove yourself worthy of this position, I won’t have any reason to raise a hand to you. You must believe me, at least, that I don’t _relish_ in doing it. But you must face consequences for wrongdoing.”

Made perfect sense. “Oh, sure. Totally with you on that one, guy.”

Sazed stared him down like a hawk. Taako looked into those deep brown eyes and felt nervous, maybe, like the rabbit trying to zigzag out of the way. His ears were drooping; he knew he was ashamed of himself. He knew he _should_ have been ashamed of himself, probably. “I’m glad we could reach this understanding. Now, I have a show in a few days somewhere nearby. I’m loath to send you onstage yet, as you’re clearly unfit, but I will give you a few days to acclimate yourself to this environment first.”

Taako’s eyes widened. “Wait a minute, wait. You’re going to… ...to send _me_ out onstage?”

Sazed cracked a small smile. It was the first time his companion had ever seen anything even remotely resembling cheer on the guy’s face, but at least it was probably an indicator that he’d done something right. “Your disbelief is charming,” he complimented Taako. “I’m sure you never imagined you’d be asked to do something like this, eh? But yes, in a few days’ time, you will take to the stage with me as my assistant.”

Taako blinked, trying to process the idea. Something vaguely registered inside him as nervous, but hell, he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Weren’t even any horses around anyways, or--or was that the expression? He couldn’t get distracted. Washing dirty dishes was _one_ thing, but this? This was a fucking _opportunity._ This was the whole reason he could endure shit like this his entire life. He’d always wanted to get someplace like this. Couldn’t fuck this one up. “Holy _shit,_ ” he breathed. “I mean, sounds good to _me._ If--if you’re down, I’m down for sure.”

“Very good. I had a feeling you’d like that. You’re very put together for a vagrant,” Sazed complimented him again. “You do know that, hm? Very pretty. We’ll get you something very nice to wear to the show, and then all you have to do is stand there and hand me what I require. Make me look nice. How’s that sound?”

Well, if there was one thing Taako was good at, it was looking pretty. He could do that. He could follow orders, he could look nice, and he could have all eyes on him. No problem. “Pretty fuckin’ _excellent,_ ” he gasped. Always knew his looks’d get him _somewhere._ “Oh, and uh, I mean. Thank you I guess for calling me pretty, but--but I’ve always known _that_ one, you know?”

“Is that so?”

“Whoa, yeah. Everyone wants a piece of this eventually.”

“Good. Because you’re lacking in brains, there’s no doubt, but your beauty is unparalleled. I think the audience will like that. _I_ do, actually.”

To Taako’s surprise, he blushed. He was used to being complimented by all kinds of people for this sort of shit; you didn’t get around looking as stunning as he did every day without being acutely aware of every person who stared at your backside with awe. He wormed his way into free drinks with it, free food. He charmed his way into beds, or was led into beds by the promise of gold. It wasn’t weird for this guy to be flirting with him already, but--but he was so _gorgeous,_ and he was so _rich,_ and he thought Taako would be good _onstage._ “Oh, really? Well, it’s safe to say that Taako’s _flattered,_ sailor.”

“You should be. Make no mistake,” he said in a manner that was incredibly blunt, “I will have you.”

When he looked into Taako’s eyes, the whole world stopped existing around them. He was being swept off his feet, swept away.

“But in the meantime, elf? Finish the dishes, and then get started on a nice meal for us, hm? I want to see what you can do with food.”

“Can do,” Taako murmured, dazed as everything snapped back into as much focus as he was gonna get.

This time, he managed not to drop any dishes. He finished ‘em quickly and easy and found that his hands were a little burnt--he’d had the water too hot, maybe? Hadn’t noticed. Just slipped his mind, he guessed, like most things. But it wasn’t too bad, and then he got to work looking around in various cabinets and in the fridge for certain ingredients.

“Anything in particular you’re in the mood for, Sazed?”

“Surprise me,” was the response.

Hmm… ...okay. He’d have to make this shit _count._ Simple enough that it would work as a first meal in an unfamiliar kitchen, but tasty enough to impress his employer. It was, perhaps, not the complexity of the dish that mattered; he’d just have to make it pretty, and then he’d have to make it taste good. He was able to locate enough of the ingredients to make a nice pasta, and that seemed doable.

When he cooked, it was interesting how the world seemed to… ...work. It made sense in a way that it hadn’t all day, probably hadn’t his whole life. Out of the kitchen, Taako’s life was out of focus and strange; he was constantly making missteps and mistakes, struggling his way through basic problems. Inside of it, he flourished, and it was almost like muscle memory. It was pure luck that Sazed had Swiss chard on hand, and Taako set about slicing it elegantly into three cups like he’d been doing it his whole life. As he located bacon and cut it up into exact portions, he was smiling. Locating everything came so _easy_ to him once he stopped panicking, and getting to work set him at ease.

When he was through, he was left with a pretty fucking decent Swiss chard and lemon ricotta dish, and he felt proud of it. The presentation was pretty much flawless; the ingredients had all been simple and easy to locate. It _smelled_ good, which was a good sign.

“Dinner’s ready,” he let Sazed know and was surprised to find that he was beaming.

He bustled over to the table and helped Sazed to a serving, then himself. He got too ahead of himself, maybe, he realized. Should’ve made a side salad? That would’ve worked. But he hoped the dish could stand on its own, at least for now. Found a wine that probably would pair well, at least, and helped them both to a glass. “Uh, sorry there’s no like, side dish or anything. That was totally my bad, I was just sorta in my own world cooking over there, and um--”

“No need to be so jittery, Taako,” Sazed reassured him. “A good chef always allows the food to speak for itself.”

“Yup, okay,” he laughed slightly. “My bad, um, again.” He tucked a hair behind his ear out of nervousness. All he could do was focus on Sazed, and his face, and the dish. Then he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he--maybe he was staring too much, and glanced at the table.

“Swiss chard and lemon ricotta,” Sazed remarked, twirling some of it with his fork and staring at it carefully. “Hm. Maybe too simple at first glance, but then, so are you… Let’s give it a taste.”

Taako was wringing his hands. It seemed like an eternity, but Sazed was finally finished chewing the first bite. “I’m _very_ impressed, Taako,” Sazed complimented him. “Very fresh, very nice flavors, beautiful presentation. This is far more than I would have expected of you, especially on your first day here.”

Oh, good. Relief filled him to the brim. “Thank _gods,_ ” he sighed.

“Yes,” Sazed said. “You’ve done very well. It’s easy for me to tell when someone knows their way around food, and the good news for you is that I’m confident you do. I’m not sure how you accomplish it, but I see how happy it makes you. _That_ is a hallmark of a good chef, Taako. I can sense potential in you.”

“Oh, _good,_ ” he said. “I mean, uh, thank you. It… ...it means a lot coming from you, uh.”

“No need to thank me,” Sazed let him know. “Not for this. I’m only truthful. I would have picked a different wine, perhaps, but that may just be my personal preference.”

Aw, shit. “Oh, uh, whoopsie,” Taako stammered. “Sorry about that, it’s just uh, I--I can’t actually taste anything I drink, so. Or I mean, I _can,_ but it all tastes like key lime gogurt. It’s uh, a long story. Kinda a shot in the dark, that one.”

“Key lime gogurt?” He was intriguing to Sazed, that was for sure. At least that was… ...something. “How interesting. I wouldn’t mind hearing how _that_ happened.”

Taako giggled nervously again, then took a sip of the wine. His hand was trembling a little, maybe. “Oh, _trust_ me, I wouldn’t either.”

“I see,” Sazed said. “Your defective brain again, hm?”

“I--I guess,” Taako admitted, shrugging lazily. “I can’t remember how it happened. Know it was a magic incident, though.”

“Magic. Never been one for magic, myself. What on earth would give someone like you the impression that you could master any form of magic? That seems very complex for someone of your capabilities.”

“Uh, yeah, I dunno,” he fumbled a little with his pasta. “I’ve got a wand on me, so I guess I’m not _too_ bad, but yeah. Prob nothin’ to write home about, you know? Can’t afford a spellbook anyways. Kinda just a dream I had when I was younger, I think. Tried to learn from wizards on the street ‘n’ shit like that.”

The static was creeping back into his consciousness, just a little. He tried to ignore it.

Sazed nodded in understanding. “Children can be impractical.”

“Yeah,” Taako agreed without thinking about it.

“Regardless, it’s good you decided to pursue cooking instead. We’ll have to think of some solutions around that key lime problem, maybe, but it clearly hasn’t interfered with your ability in this regard _too_ much…”

When Taako finished his wine, he realized how spent he was. The adrenaline was starting to die down, and for some reason, he was just _exhausted._ Sazed seemed to notice this, though, and assured him that he didn’t have to clean up. Today had no doubt been a long day for him, and he’d show him to his sleeping quarters. Taako nodded numbly through the words, sleepy with alcohol and food, and followed him without question.

He was out as soon as he hit the pillow.

The next time he woke, it was to Sazed. “Taako. _Taako._ Wake up.”

He gasped and snapped up like a rubber band. Something tensed up and he went to grab the arm beside him--which right now was Sazed, why was he grabbing onto this arm? Thankfully, he didn’t seem too bothered by it, but Taako was bewildered that he couldn’t quite let go. “Sorry, sorry,” he managed in the darkness, heart racing. “What? What’s happening?”

“I think you’ve been having a nightmare, that’s all,” Sazed informed him. “I came in to check on you because you were saying something over and over again. Something about ‘loops?’ It was difficult for me to get to sleep.”

“Oh,” he mumbled, profoundly embarrassed. “Oh, uh, sorry. I… ...I get nightmares sometimes. I’ll, uh, I’ll try to relax and keep it down.”

“Thank you. Though I must ask--why loops?”

That static crept in again, and this time it wasn’t so quick to leave.

“I… ...don’t know,” Taako finally admitted.

His head hurt something awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, here's the first chapter!! i really shouldn't be as excited about this one as i am, especially since i already have so many TAZ AUs in the works, but i just had to work on it some more today. thank you for reading, and thank you especially to the people of the TAZ Fanfic Writers Discord for being so supportive. <3 i love you all.


	3. Chapter 2

The next time Taako awoke, it was because someone was shaking him.

“Mrm,” he whined, half-asleep and wanting to stay that way. It didn’t occur to him who was doing the shaking or why they were doing it, not really, not at first. This was probably why some sleepy part of him, the part of him that hadn’t registered the current situation and just knew he was sleeping in a comfy bed, pulled the covers over his head and grumbled. “Fuck off. ‘S too early.”

“ _What_ did you say to me? Do I need to remind you that I won’t tolerate disrespect?” Whoever it was, they weren’t happy with him, and a second later they _wrenched_ the covers and the elf tangled up in them to the floor. Taako gave out a little yelp as he hit the floor, landing with a hard _thunk_ in a weird way that hurt his ankle just a little. “I tire of giving you warnings like this _already,_ elf. I expect you to be alert, at the ready, and apologetic in no more than five minutes.”

 _Oh, yeah. Shit. What?_ Taako cleared the dreaming from his head like static cling, rubbing his ankle just slightly and wincing. “Shit, that _smarts,_ ” he complained, just a little under his breath. “Sorry, I uh, I thought you were someone else.”

He wasn’t sure why he said it.

He wasn’t sure who he thought Sazed might be.

Sazed was not amused. “Do you _normally_ address people who show you such hospitality in this manner?”

Ugh. It was too early to think, and he had trouble doing that even when he wasn’t just waking up, but another snide comment could cost Taako the rest of his leg. “Sorry,” he said again, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes. “Won’t happen again, I promise.”

“I should hope _not._ Don’t you dare forget all that I’m doing for you, elf. You have no _right_ to tell me to _fuck off_ as long as you are riding my coattails. I hope that’s understood.” He turned to leave, and Taako noted that he was already dressed to the nines in some fancy shit. “As punishment for this crass behavior, you’re going to make me breakfast. This isn’t fucking negotiable, so I would advise you to be ready for that.”

“Breakfast? No problem,” Taako mumbled, voice still thick with sleep. “Just gimme a quick sec ‘n’ I’ll be right there.”

First, he had to figure out whether or not he’d sprained his ankle or some dumb shit. It wasn’t enough pain for it to be broken, which was a relief, because even though Taako knew he could do it he didn’t exactly feel completely stoked about the idea of hobbling around a kitchen he barely knew. It’d heal up right quick regardless, but he still wanted to know just how much pain he’d be operating with ‘til it did, taking his time to get up off the floor and out of the sheets (the thread count of these was _insane,_ he couldn’t help but think vaguely). Little tender, but nothing too bad, and he resolved to suck it up.

Couldn’t imagine what had caused him to slip up like that, though. Maybe if he were usually stirred from sleep by someone or something that was okay with shit like that, but Taako always went at it alone. His mind still felt confused, fuzzy, and the dreams still clinging to him and nagging at the back of his brain begged for remembering but found nothing.

Careful not to wince when his foot hit the floor, Taako made his way out to the kitchen.

Sazed was sitting at the table, evidently already expecting his breakfast. “Are you ready to behave?” He asked, barely glancing up from examining his own nails.

“Oh, uh, yeah!” Taako was surprised at how fast the words fell from his lips, almost as if not under his own control. “Yeah, um, I… I wasn’t thinking before when I was so rude, so sorry about that, but I’m totally down to make us both some grub. If that makes you feel any better…?”

“I’m glad you’re in a better mood now, at least.”

“Yeah, uh.” He shifted to the other foot, obnoxiously aware suddenly of the pain in his ankle, dull but real enough just to be irritating. “No bones about it, Taako is ready to get down to business and whip somethin’ up! Uh, ‘zit cool if I make somethin’ sort of basic? I’m just thinking, y’know, we can’t have gourmet meals _all the time._ ” Sazed raised a brow in his direction. “Or I mean, like, we can… ...that’s cool if that’s how you wanna play it. Just got that poor kid mindset, I guess. Don’t wanna run out of all that good shit.”

Those brown eyes were still on him, intense and judging his every movement and brief expression that might have wandered across his face. Taako was learning that Sazed was difficult to read, in the sense that he seemed basically unhappy or displeased pretty much all the time, which _wasn’t_ super great for business. His business. “No, you have good sense,” he said, tone bored and dismissive. “We needn’t have something complicated _every_ meal. You’re right about that.”

“Cool, cool,” Taako said as nonchalantly as possible. “How d’you feel about French toast?”

Sazed sighed. “Whatever you make will be _fine,_ Taako. Just get on it, please.”

“Got’cha.”

“Afraid there’ll only be enough ingredients to make me a serving today, though,” he said after a moment. Taako was busy figuring that out right as he said it. “We’re running out of some essentials. I’ll need you to go into town today and pick me up a few things.”

“‘kay,” Taako responded without even thinking about it much. It kind of sucked that he’d have to go hungry for a little while today, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t ever _done_ it. A lot of Taako’s life had been basically running on empty and trying not to think about it, so like the hitting, it really wasn’t that much of an issue. Besides, there was a chance he could buy himself something in town (whatever “town” it was) or help himself to something when he got back. Wasn’t really that big of a deal. “I can do that, no prob. You got a list?”

Sazed did. Taako kind of wanted to stick around to see how he liked the French toast, but he was pretty quick and adamant about pawning the piece of paper off to Taako and telling him to freshen up best he could before going right away. He was learning that Sazed was not a man who wasted any time, which was fine by him; he was quick on his feet, even if he was slow in other things, and he didn’t hover around for any approval or disapproval of his food.

It was time to get shit done.

He didn’t have a change of clothes; Sazed didn’t approve of that, but he said that could be fixed in town, too. Taako didn’t quite know what to tell him; he was poor as fuck, and he remembered having more clothes at _some_ point, but right now it was basically just the shit he showed up wearing. He tried not to be overly excited at the thought of getting some new threads, but he tackled the food first.

It was already a lot to carry by the time he was on his way to check out some clothing in a nearby shop, but he managed. Somehow he still got distracted by the promise of a bookstore, wandering in and perusing even though he knew it wasn’t what he was supposed to do. He’d heard Sazed talk about magic, and he’d been right. Taako had no idea why he even had a wand in his possession, much less a vague recollection about some sort of accident that left him without the ability to taste liquid. Magic, he knew (because _everyone_ knew, he figured) was _incredibly_ complicated. If you weren’t a sorcerer and inherently born with it, then you either had to strike up a deal with something shady (which was just a bad fucking idea) or you had to study.

And not just study. Study your _ass_ off. Wizards worked _years and years_ to master the school of magic of their choice. He admired shit like that, but he could never do it…

Which was why he was surprised and confused to find himself placing all of his bags of groceries down just so he could sit and thumb through this spellbook. _Transmutation,_ his eyes kept reading, and something made sense about that word. Nothing made sense about what he was doing, why he was doing it, why he couldn’t just follow simple goddamn directions. Nothing made sense about the way he bought it, either, and then suddenly didn’t have enough money for a new outfit.

Nothing made sense about the way he carried all this shit back to Sazed, but he did it almost as if it were out of his control. Every so often, the static would start to close in on him some more, and he’d try to blink and shake his head to get rid of it. He _knew_ this wasn’t super great of him. He _knew_ he’d done wrong, and he felt the book with incredible hypersensitivity as an extra bag. He tried to conceal it with the mountains of groceries, balancing it all, as he got back.

“Finally you return,” Sazed said from a little ways off.

He had time. He was quick to set the groceries down on the counter, and then he was even quicker to _race_ into the room he was staying in to hide the book under his pillow. It probably wasn’t the best spot, and he felt like it might burn a goddamn hole through the bed it was so wrong to own it, but he pulled it off and then made his way back into the kitchen.

He found Sazed already angry, holding up a box of cereal. “What the fuck is _this,_ Taako?”

What was it? He didn’t remember buying it. Fuck. Taako was in deep dogshit. “Uh, I think it says… …’Froot Loops?’”

“Brilliant deduction,” Sazed hissed, voice so cold it sent shivers down Taako’s spine. “What the fuck are you doing bringing sugary bullshit like _this_ _here?_ ” He was advancing, and Taako was backing up involuntarily.

“Um, I--I dunno,” he answered truthfully. “I don’t remember buying it, I swear. I don’t remember buying it, I _swear_ I don’t. That--I didn’t _buy_ that.”

“Is this what you consider _food,_ Taako?”

It was horrible timing, but at the mention of food, Taako remembered he was so _fucking_ hungry. Maybe it was more accurate to say that his stomach remembered he hadn’t eaten since last night, and it was trying to act out in protest. Well, now that he’d fucked up, he _definitely_ wasn’t getting anything to eat. He could just tell. It was fine. Just fine.

“Answer me,” Sazed demanded of him. “Do you think this constitutes as _food?_ ”

“I--I--I mean, like, is it a _gourmet meal_ or anything? No, but I guess I’d eat it, all things considered. Can’t complain sometimes, you know? I mean sure, it’s 99% sugar and pretty fucking bad for you, and there are better breakfast foods out there for sure, but I’d probably eat it.” He was babbling, he knew. He was rambling and he wished he could shut up, sometimes, just to make things easier on himself.

“Then you were _lying?_ You meant to purchase this garbage with _my_ hard-earned money?”

“No, no, no, no,” he tried. “No, no. No. No, I--I didn’t--I don’t even--”

“But you would eat it, would you?” Sazed was right up close to him with the box now. “Then--then you _fucking_ eat it, and I hope you _enjoy_ it, because it is your last meal of the day.” He opened the box, held it over Taako’s head, and before he could even react, spilled the entirety of its contents all on him.

He was shaking; he was crying? Oh, fuck. He was even crying. There was sugary cereal all over him, all over his hat and stuck to his face and stuck to his clothes--it was everywhere, and for the first time since he started staying here, Taako felt… ... _humiliated._ He felt a deep and terrible shame, for being so stupid that he couldn’t go out and get the foods he was supposed to get, and he stood there and just cried.

“You’re _crying? I_ should be the one _crying._ I do you a kindness, take a chance on you, take you in, even _lend you money_ so that you can buy your own clothes, and instead you buy _this?_ You think you’re entitled to do whatever you _want,_ Taako, but that _will_ change. You _will_ understand the value of my work even if it **_kills you._ ** Are we understood, or are you just going to keep sniveling like that?”

He was sobbing so much he couldn’t see; he couldn’t think about it. He was shaking and he didn’t know why this was bothering him so much. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been treated like this before, and it wasn’t even like he hadn’t fucked up before. He clearly had; he was clearly _prone_ to it. Because he was a fucking idiot, and that was all. That was all he truly knew about himself; that was all that mattered, at the end of the day.

A simple idiot.

“We’re--we’re understood,” he croaked out. “I promise, we’re totally on the same page--”

Sazed interrupted him by throwing the Froot Loops box at the wall. “Good, because I will _not_ have this happen again. Clean this shit up. Some of us have actual _work_ to do.”

When Sazed left, slamming the door behind him, to go draw up plans for the next show, Taako crumpled to the floor, hugged himself, and cried until he had nothing left.

He was still pretty goddamn hungry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, i just... i just had to write another chapter. sorry that Crindyverse Taako always has a Froot Loop thing, but i don't know what to tell you. Crindyverse Taako has a Froot Loop thing. it's an established fact. thank you all for being so supportive. <3 i love you.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw in this chapter for like, kind of referenced past sexual abuse? nothing graphic, tho.

It had been two days since Taako had anything to eat.

He wasn’t allowed food again, so there’d be no breakfast. This, he was told, was punishment for this behavior yesterday, and that made sense. Taako was deeply, horribly ashamed of himself every time he even tried to stop to think about it. The whole incident nearly made him sick, not only because he’d apparently goofed that one up _so_ bad, but because he’d _cried_ about it in front of some dude he barely knew. It wasn’t typical behavior for him, not that he could think, not the crying. Something was… ... _wrong_ with him, deeply wrong, and he was incredibly worried he’d blown all his chances at fame because of it.

He ignored the hunger pangs best he could to focus as raptly on Sazed as possible. This was a good gig; if this guy wasn’t throwing him on his ass back out into the street, Taako should consider himself lucky.

Today, he told himself, he’d do better.

“I’m not unreasonable, Taako,” Sazed was saying. “You _know_ that. So you don’t get breakfast, not today, but I _am_ permitting you to clean yourself up. I’ve provided you with a bucket of cold water, a washcloth, and some soap for those purposes. Get freshened up as you can, and then get to work on fixing _me_ a meal, please.”

Taako glanced at the bucket. For some reason, he expected Sazed to leave after this, but he didn’t, sitting at the foot of Taako’s bed. “Um… ...you sure you wanna stick around for this part? It’ll be, uh, kind of boring to watch.”

“I’m sorry, have I offended you? I’ll leave if you’re shy about it. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I thought I made it clear the other day that I intend for our relationship to go in a certain direction, and I didn’t think you’d be bashful about this.”

“Oh,” Taako gasped, ears drooping down a little. He felt all the blood rushing to his face, to his head. He felt embarrassed, maybe, but it wasn’t _bad._ He’d offered his body to all sorts of people for _years_ by this point, so it wasn’t like he was unused to somebody wanting to enjoy the view. There was just something about Sazed--how handsome he was, how rich he was, or _something_ \--that made Taako a little bit giddy, a little bit smug that he could capture his attention. Maybe it was because, in every other way, Sazed kind of seemed like he wanted Taako to get bent. This was one thing he hadn’t gotten _wrong,_ yet, couldn’t get wrong because he was pretty and he was going to _keep_ being pretty. “B-Bashful? No, I’m not--it’s not--I’m not _bashful._ You want a little taste of Taako, a little sampler. That’s… ...that’s fine by _me,_ compadre.”

“Excellent,” Sazed said. “Then yes, I’d like to admire you, if you’ll permit me.”

“ _Permit_ you?” To his surprise, Taako giggled just a little. It was just such a silly way to word it, so polite in an unnecessary way. “Sure, partner, you can admire me any which way you _wanna_ . Hell, at least you care enough to make sure I’m _cool_ with it.” He got to work stripping himself of his clothes, doing it a little slowly to get Sazed a little excited, playful glimmer in his eye. This was in his wheelhouse, at least.

“Do people not usually do that?"

“Hmm?” Taako asked, stripping down and then wetting the washcloth.

“Care. About whether or not you’d like to display yourself.”

He blinked, not quite sure how to respond, careful to move the washcloth _super slowly_ over parts of his body so the guy watching him could at least get something out of it. “I guess I don’t usually think about it,” he admitted. “But nah, most of ‘em don’t care. Which is fine, ‘cuz _I_ don’t care. You’re rolling in more gold than folks like that’ve usually ever _seen,_ anyway, so you’re entitled to a show every now and then.”

“Mm.” Sazed seemed deep in thought, pensive, which was enough to get Taako to stop.

“Something wrong?” His ears perked up. Now Taako was nervous. Maybe he’d been too presumptuous that there was no way to fuck this up. Maybe Sazed had a certain _thing_ he wanted Taako to do with the washcloth or something, something that he didn’t know. He _wanted_ to please Sazed; he _wanted_ to keep this guy happy. It made him feel flattered and excited to be the center of attention, but suddenly Sazed looked more wrapped up in himself.

Sazed spoke up again after a moment. “Taako, I don’t want you to feel like you have to do things like this for money.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that. “Uh? Look, it’s _fine,_ dude. I’m used to it. A living’s a living where I come from, you know?”

“No,” Sazed said after a moment. “No, it’s not that I worry you’re not okay with it. I just want you to understand that… ...that is not what I hope for from _our_ relationship. Please, don’t let my conversation distract you from cleaning up.”

“Oh… … _’kay,_ ” Taako allowed himself to speak after a moment, washing behind his ears. It wasn’t exactly the sexiest place to put the washcloth, admittedly, but he was a little thrown by the weird turn this was suddenly taking. “So you don’t wanna pay to look at me. No bigs. Taako can do this for free.”

“You’re misunderstanding me.”

This made him nervous again, fuck. What a boner killer. “‘Zat so?”

“Yes, it is. Look, Taako, where _we_ are concerned… ...how do I put this.” The guy was really taking his time thinking about it, and Taako’s hands shook even as he let the washcloth guide over him. “I don’t want it to be _that_ kind of relationship. If I have you-- _when_ I have you--I’d like it to be… ...special.”

Well, this guy was into some weird stuff. “Okay, so you’re not gonna fuck me today. That’s not… ...really a problem? I didn’t think you were gonna--”

“No. I’m not… ...wording this correctly. Taako, if I have you--when I have you, I’d like it to be… ...different. Different than, it seems, anything to which you’re accustomed. I think it’s not only criminal that so many other people have had their hands on something so exquisite and failed to grasp the depth of its beauty, but _repulsive._ ”

It was the first time that it ever occurred to Taako that it might be weird to have a background like his, to get by in the way he needed to sometimes. He didn’t know what Sazed was getting at, but for a moment he felt vulnerable and naked and ashamed, every inch of him red and mortified, and he felt… ...gross. He felt… ...like damaged goods, maybe? Something about the way he’d been touched before was displeasing to this man, who was more famous and knew more than anyone Taako had ever seen before. Something made him disgusting, the way he let people get handsy.

“It’s unfortunate,” Sazed continued, musing mostly to himself. “It’s not your fault, of course. You’re a pretty elf, no doubt, and it’s probably been far too easy to take advantage of someone like you.”

People took advantage of him? Because he was stupid. Taako was scrubbing a spot on his shoulder a little too long.

“But I want to reassure you, Taako. I won’t do that to you. There won’t _ever_ be a second that goes by when I don’t appreciate the beauty of your form, your grace, the features with which you’ve been so blessed. You’ve been _defiled,_ Taako, used, and of course you don’t know any different. I am here, though, to show you that difference. When I have you, it will be… ...exclusive. Because no one else… ...has ever appreciated you the way I will. No one will. That is a promise.”

He wasn’t scrubbing anymore. The washcloth in his hands didn’t even exist. The surroundings didn’t even exist. Only Sazed’s voice, coming at him from the end of his new bed, existed. “Exclusive,” he murmured, as if in a daze. “So what, so like… ...so like no one else can fuck me? Only you can fuck me.”

“If… ...if you want to put in those terms, Taako, yes. That’s correct. But it’s… ...more than that. I don’t fault you for not understanding. I can only hope you will over time. I would like you… ...to want me for me, as I want you for you. I would like to show you that you _can_ be admired and appreciated for the frankly gorgeous person that you are. I… I am going to do my best, Taako, to make sure you are never used in such a terrible way ever again. I promise you that.”

“Cool,” Taako managed. It was the only thing he could think of to say.

“I can see that I’ve distracted you enough,” Sazed said after a moment. “That’s also not your fault, and completely my own. I’ll leave you to the rest, and you can meet me out in the kitchen.”

Just like that, Sazed left him alone with his bucket and his washcloth and his cold water. He sat there for a little while, trying to figure out what he felt about it, and then finally figured that he should feel… ...flattered, probably. This guy wanted an exclusive thing with Taako. That meant that--that no one else could have Taako, and Taako couldn’t have anyone else--that meant that this guy had probably had his pick of guys, maybe even some ladies too, who knew, and decided Taako was _special._ This meant that this guy could’ve had probably anyone in the world-- _anyone,_ but had known Taako for a few days, and decided that… ...that Taako was worth it. He wanted Taako all to himself. After he’d had time to turn the concept over and think about it without some of the weird phrasings that threw him, like the idea that he’d been violated or whatever, a smile settled on Taako’s lips and didn’t leave.

He was special, and he finished cleaning himself and his hat and clothes up as good as he could do, relieved to get Froot Loop stickiness off of him before he dressed again and all but flounced out to the kitchen. “All righty, so I was thinkin’ ‘bout makin’ you an omelet today, but _now_ I’m gonna put some extra _care_ into it for all your pretty words back there.”

Sazed was smiling, too. “Oh, I’m _so_ glad it didn’t alarm you to hear me talk like that.”

“Pffsh, _alarm_ me,” Taako scoffed, scrounging around for what was necessary. He wondered if Sazed had any preferences, but at the same time it seemed like the only preference Sazed had most of the time was that he didn’t ask too many questions. After rummaging around, he settled on mushroom and goat cheese with spinach and avocado. “I dunno if you know this, but Taako’s not too easy to _alarm,_ big fella. I’ve been around the block a time or two.”

“Good. That’s very good. I can tell you’re cheerful today, hm? Always nice to hear someone humming as they work.”

Was he humming? He was, he became aware as he measured out two tablespoons of olive oil. Something in him felt _lighter,_ now, more sure of staying here than before. “Stuff makes sense in the kitchen,” he explained simply. “I tend to like it in here.”

“I can certainly understand that.”

Sazed was so _pleased_ with him today. He was on a roll, and he knew it as he happily sliced mushrooms. Maybe it was because Sazed was an experienced chef with respect for Taako’s work, or maybe it was just that he was thinking about something else and didn’t have much to say, but he let Taako work on his breakfast ‘til it was finished. When he brought it over to the table and served it, he seemed even _more_ pleased.

“You continue to endear yourself to me, my elf,” he said. “Once again, your flourish for presentation is evident in the beauty of this dish. I know already to expect a decent flavor at least, and it smells fantastic.”

It did, which made Taako yearn for food even more, but he tried not to think about it.

(“ _My_ elf,” he’d said, anyway. His heart skipped a beat.)

“Tell you what,” Sazed said after a moment. “You’ve done so well today that you may get something to eat after we run errands.”

Oh, thank _fuck._ Taako must have looked relieved because Sazed laughed.

“I’d never let you _starve,_ Taako. Food is our _business._ ”

“True ‘nough.” He probably _was_ being silly to worry about whether or not Sazed would ever let him go too long without food. Most times he’d gone without it had been out on his own, anyway, the fault of a thieving job gone poorly or not enough gold to even get him something basic. In a weird way, it was reassuring that Sazed had a say in whether or not he could eat, because that meant Taako was under someone else’s care and they could make sure he didn’t go too long.

“I was probably being too hard on you yesterday, anyway,” Sazed apologized. Or at least, Taako perceived it as an apology. “I flew off the handle for something that, in hindsight, seems a little silly today. I hope we can put that nonsense behind us.”

“Water under the bridge, my guy,” Taako dismissed with a wave of his hand, and as he said it, it was easy to forget he’d even had that embarrassing crying spell at all. Froot Loops? What Froot Loops? What was a Froot Loop? Whatever.

“Wonderful. I’m so glad we’re on the same page. It really makes me feel as though I can trust you today.”

Taako’s ears perked up again, and he leaned in a little. “Today? What’s today?”

“Rehearsal.” Taako’s stomach did loop-di-loops. “But we have to make sure you’re properly dressed, first. Those would be the errands.”

“Oh,” he gasped. Rehearsal. Suddenly his time onstage seemed so close, too close maybe. He hadn’t had enough time to think about it, to practice; he’d already fucked up so much since he got there, with stuff like the plate and the Froot Loops. Taako knew he shouldn’t be so nervous; this was what he’d always _wanted,_ after all. He wanted a chance to prove himself, to captivate an audience, to dazzle them and it was like Sazed said, anyway. All he had to do was stand there and look pretty. No way he’d fuck that up. No way, no how. “Sounds rad. Okay.”

Sazed finished the rest of his breakfast.

Taako was glad he didn’t have any because he worried it might come back up. He washed the dishes and then got ready to go out with Sazed.

“Hold on a second,” Sazed said, and suddenly he was grabbing Taako’s hands, examining them closely. “Taako, your hands are slightly burned.”

Were they? Aw, dag. “Oh, yeah,” he muttered in slight surprise, staring down at them. “That. Must’ve left the water on too hot again.”

“Hmm. Well, they should be okay for now, but try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I want you in good shape for the show.”

That was easy enough to agree to, considering Taako never remembered leaving the water on that hot in the first place.

Walking into town with Sazed was more exciting than Taako anticipated it to be. Everyone was looking their way, many people _knew_ about “Sizzle it Up” already, and he was so charming with all of them.

“Who’s this with you, Sazed?” The owner of the clothing shop asked, and by this point Taako was certain that he knew _everybody._

“I’m--I’m Taako,” he started, nervously. “Uh, hi.”

“...Yes,” Sazed said after a moment. “I didn’t quite expect him to introduce himself so informally, but this is my new assistant. He’ll be starting work on the show tomorrow, and we have a rehearsal tonight. Fetch him something pretty to wear, please.”

“Not a problem, but you should know nothing I can bring you will make that hat look good.”

“My… ...my hat?” Suddenly Taako was so self-conscious again, and he could swear that everyone’s eyes were on him. It was a terrible feeling that made his skin crawl, and he wished he could disappear. “What--what’s wrong with my hat?”

“It’s an eyesore, darling. So many different patterns and colors and--rhinestones, even? Ugh. Were you not… ...aware? It doesn’t look good.”

“Oh,” he nodded. “I mean, no, I--I know? But I--I always wear my hat.” He knew his hat was a mess. He _knew_ it was. He’d bought it for his birthday one year or something, and then he’d dedicated so much time and effort--some of which he’d completely lost to whatever brain problems plagued him--to making sure it looked even worse, diligently sewing patches of color and patterns and gluing ridiculous shit on it. It was a terrible old hat to begin with, but--but there was his history, proof that he’d lived longer than his brain could let him comprehend, proof that he had experiences even if he couldn’t quite grasp them.

It was a shitty hat.

The worst.

But his looks had always made up for it, hadn’t they?

“Don’t worry about it,” Sazed assured the shop owner and not him at all. “He won’t be wearing that at rehearsal. Or tomorrow.”

“I--I won’t?” They both ignored him.

It was stupid to say, but this upset him. He tried to force it out of his mind because of _course_ he couldn’t wear shit like that when he was gonna get dolled up so fancy. It was ridiculous for him to even think Sazed would tolerate that on his stage, and he was embarrassed that he’d even left the house with it at all. Taako didn’t feel like Taako without his hat; it was, perhaps, one of the only Truly Real Taako Things he had to hold onto. When things got to be too much, he could hide underneath it. It fit so nicely, and he was so _used_ to it. But maybe, there were things about Taako that weren’t fit for stardom. Maybe, the hat was one of those things.

He let it slide, and soon when he was brought a selection of outfits, this was all but forgotten. He’d never seen such highbrow shit in his entire life, and he gasped to look at it all. He didn’t get to pick the clothes; he knew that right away. Taako would get attached to this little number or this thing with the straps, but it wasn’t up to him. Most of his input was ignored, so he sat and waited for Sazed to pick things out.

Then, he was directed to a dressing room to change. He asked Sazed if he’d like to watch, and Sazed got flustered and murmured that of _course_ he wouldn’t, and to not be ridiculous. So Taako wasn’t ridiculous, and he got dressed all by himself, and he treated himself to looks in the mirror. He felt so fucking _ready,_ seeing himself in this myriad of clothes, and then he’d go out to see what Sazed thought and felt about it.

It was a treat and a delight, and finally, Sazed settled on a dress that shimmered excellently. It was silver, and probably the fanciest thing Taako had ever imagined on himself, and as he posed in it for Sazed and twirled he felt… ...fantastic, surer of himself, even as they had him set his hat aside. The dress was purchased, along with a few other outfits Sazed permitted for casual wear; his old clothes were pitched, but he insisted upon keeping the hat. It made the present company sigh, but he wouldn’t throw it away.

After that, it was evidently time for makeup. Taako had learned to do his early and efficiently, anything to catch the eye, but they wouldn’t let him do his own or pick out his own colors. They did his hair and nails, too, and he chatted mindlessly to the lovely girl who made sure he looked like elegant eye candy. She was kind to him, charmed by him; she didn’t ask too many questions about his personal life, and she assured him that working with Sazed was one of the nicest gigs he could land. Sazed, by contrast, was silent and curt with the girls making him look snazzy, only voicing what he wanted and not much else.

The amount of gold he shelled out just for _this_ alone made Taako a little breathless.

Or maybe he just… ...sort of was? It was evening now, and he was trying to adjust to walking in his new heels, and it was starting to occur to Taako that he wasn’t feeling so hot. He tried to take in the surroundings of the place they’d be rehearsing in, ‘cuz no doubt it was neat as fuck and it was gonna be cool to be onstage, but he felt dizzy. More headaches. Static creeping in again, just because he couldn’t drown it out.

He was onstage now; Sazed was expecting something of him, and he couldn’t tell what.

“I think I need to lie down,” he tried to say. “Food? Somethin’.”

Everyone carried on like they couldn’t hear him.

Taako hoped he looked pretty when he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh you guys i can't stop hyperfocusing on this thing. o_o hopefully it's good. <3;; thank you all for reading and commenting, as always!! 
> 
> i'll probably get writing up before then, but just in case i don't, i'd like everyone to know that tomorrow officially marks a year since i started listening to "the Adventure Zone." i had no idea just the amount of good it would do for my life, my creativity, and what little now exists of my self-confidence LOL. this fandom has been so kind to me, welcomed me with open arms, and it's meant so much to me over the past year that i actually can't articulate it properly. thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being so rad and so receptive to what i put out there, and teaching me that everything i have to offer the world isn't wrong or bad. it's been so healing for me and i feel so fortunate.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for dubious consent. i've never put anything like this in one of my fics before and to tell you the truth it was uh, pretty dang hard for me to write. hope it's a good chapter anyway tho. nothing explicit, i promise.

“...ko. Taako? Taako, are you all right?”

For a moment, he couldn’t figure out where he was. He didn’t know who was talking to him; he didn’t know what was going on. There was a sea of distracting static to wade through to even figure it out at first, and his head hurt  _ so much _ every time he tried to think about who it might usually be asking the question. Eventually, though, stuff started coming into focus.

Of course it was Sazed, looking down at him with such concern and cradling him in his arms.

“Just fine, hot stuff,” he mumbled, incredibly out of it. “Don’t even know what happened there.”

“You lost consciousness, that’s all,” Sazed informed him. He was so helpful. “How are you feeling? Let’s try to get you sitting up, at least.”

His voice was so gentle. It was the only thing that made sense in such a disorienting situation, and even as the static continued for a little while longer, Taako looked to that voice for direction and reassurance. He could  _ count _ on it, and that was what mattered, as Sazed helped him sit upright and held him up. It was good to be supported by someone like that, for reasons Taako maybe didn’t know. It was… ...comforting. He knew he couldn’t think clearly, but he could  _ never _ do that, so thankfully Sazed was here to think for him.

“‘S totally fine, I swear,” he tried to insist, even as the world tilted off-kilter. “I’m good. Jus’ a lil hungry is all.”

“Oh, of course,” Sazed soothed him. “Of course, of course you’re hungry. I’m sure that’s why you fainted in the first place. Let’s get you some food.”

“ _ Finally, _ ” Taako said without even thinking about it.

Sazed laughed, just a little. “Yes, I’m afraid I pushed you much too hard today. I’m terribly sorry. You need to be in peak condition for the show, after all.”

He was  _ sorry _ for letting Taako go so long without food. No one had ever been sorry before. Abuelito, in particular, had  _ never _ been sorry; he’d always insisted that Taako deserved to starve for whatever he’d done. No one on the streets had been particularly sorry either, sometimes chasing Taako  _ away _ from food as he was trying to swipe it, taking no real pity on a young elf like him. But here Sazed was,  _ sorry _ that Taako had to starve, hoping that he was in peak condition, concerned about his health. It was probably the lack of food that was dizzying, but Taako found that Sazed being so good and handsome really didn’t help.

In the end, food helped tremendously. Sazed treated him to some signature dish, something with chicken that they were going to be serving at tomorrow night’s show. Ordinarily, Taako knew, he’d be all  _ over _ that shit, trying to figure out the subtleties of every different flavor and really taking his time with it all, but he was so fucking famished that he couldn’t help but dig into all of it. Thankfully, Sazed found that charming somehow.

The downside was that with all that food finally settling in his belly, Taako felt pretty sleepy. It had been a long day. He tried not to think about it, just for the sake of carrying on with rehearsal, but he was nodding off during moments in which he had nothing to do. For a brief second, he was worried that Sazed would be angry with him; instead, Sazed made him feel foolish for even suspecting such a thing as he reassured Taako that all was forgiven, and he’d earned a good rest.

“Walking back in these heels is gonna be kinna a bitch, though,” Taako mumbled without thinking, and he yawned.

“Then you don’t have to.”

“Huh?”

As Sazed swept Taako up into his arms and he drifted off, he felt safe. He felt warm. Taako had been alone all his fucking life, always having to take care of and look out for himself, and he shouldn’t have been so comfortable like this. But for some reason, as he felt Sazed’s form against his own, cradling him and shielding him from the world, he knew this was where he was meant to be. It was supposed to be like this, and even though it was such a vulnerable position for him to be in, Taako smiled.

“Rest well, my elf,” Sazed whispered in his ear. “We have a big day ahead of us.”

He didn’t.

Taako’s dreams were filled with static, and when they weren’t filled with static, they were filled with fuckups. Sazed would ask him for a certain ingredient and he’d hand him the wrong one, eyes all on him. Sazed would ask for him to come out and he’d be naked, because he was too stupid to think to put on clothes,  _ naturally. _ Sazed would introduce him to the crowd and they’d all  _ hate _ him, god they’d hate him  _ so much, _ and he’d feel all those terrible eyes on him and it’d just--it’d just--be so--

“You’re screaming about ‘loops’ again,” a voice came, stirring him from his sleep.

“Bwuh?” He was in Sazed’s arms, he could determine that at least, but Taako felt so much like he needed something else to calm his nerves all the way and just couldn’t figure out what it was. “Sorry, gorgeous. Guess I got the jitters. Prob’ly looks silly to someone like you, huh?” He yawned, too comfortable to want to leave. This is how he needed it to be. “You’re prob’ly so  _ used _ to all this shit, and here I am being a total doofus.”

“Nonsense,” Sazed insisted. “It’s perfectly normal to be nervous, especially since this will be your first time onstage. I have no doubt that you’ll perform brilliantly, though.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. I have no reason to lie about that.”

Taako wanted to just drift off to sleep right here. It was so much more comfortable with someone else, especially after the night terrors. So he asked the question before his brain could really think about it. “Hey, listen, Sazed…”

“Hm?”

“D’you think…” His ears perked up, then drooped down, and he averted his gaze. All of the blood ran to his face. “...never mind, it’s stupid.”

“I’d like to hear it anyway.”

“Okay. Um… ...d’you think you would mind… ...staying with me tonight? ‘Til I fall asleep. Or after, whatever. I just--I dunno, I’m a little on edge, and I was just thinkin’ maybe if I knew you were lookin’ out for me--”

Just like that, Sazed raised a finger to his lips, so gentle.

“There’s no need to be so  _ nervous  _ all the time, Taako. Of  _ course _ I will.”

The relief that flooded him was so,  _ so _ embarrassing, but it was so  _ real _ right then that Taako couldn’t help but give into it and relax. When he drifted off into sleep again, there were no more nightmares. He wouldn’t mess up,  _ couldn’t _ mess up because Sazed  _ believed _ he wouldn’t, and he would try his hardest to never disappoint him. He felt loved, he felt warm, he felt safe, and not even the static bothered him too much once he accepted that it was Sazed who made him feel that way.

He woke up even earlier than Sazed this time, grinning to see that they’d shared a bed. Even though Taako felt better, he was still  _ nervous, _ so he decided to slip as gently and discretely out of bed as possible and get to work memorizing the routine. He went over the recipe several times in his head, just so he  _ knew _ he could hand Sazed what he needed. Went over the utensils required several times over, even put on the new heels so he could practice walking in them a little more to be sure he didn’t trip. Gave himself little pep talks as he started cooking up a nice breakfast for Sazed, murmuring to himself as he flipped pancakes.

“No humming this morning?” Sazed asked from behind him.

Unfortunately, this startled the  _ shit _ out of Taako, which led to him  _ yelping _ just a little. One of his ‘cakes hit the floor. “Uh, fuck,” he breathed eloquently, “no, I, um, guess not. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sazed reassured him. “It’s still perfectly natural that you’d be nervous, especially given you’ve never done anything this worthwhile before. This is probably the most important thing you’ve ever been a part of, eh? Bet you thought you’d never amount to this.”

It was true; there was no reason for Taako to ever think he would be in this position. It was true, also, that he’d skated through his entire life managing to be so  _ profoundly _ unimportant. He was just an ordinary street urchin, after all, and one who couldn’t make  _ sense _ of anything half the time, and this was the first time he’d ever been a part of something that was going to  _ count. _ This was his first time dealing with something that  _ mattered, _ so even though Sazed probably meant well, he kind of was just making Taako feel even more nervous. Welp. “Uh, hachi machi, y-you  _ said _ it, Boss Man,” he stammered, trashing the pancake that hit the floor. “Really hit the nail on the head right there.”

“I thought so. Someone like you wouldn’t be accustomed to things like this at all. But try not to worry so much, okay? You’re stunning, and that’s all they care about. It’s not as though you’ll have anything tremendously exciting to do. Really, if anything, you’re making too much of this, Taako.”

He probably was, yeah. It probably wasn’t even that big of a deal, because  _ Sazed _ was the star of the show, not him. Sazed had his name up in lights; Sazed was headlining, cooking for a large audience; Sazed was the one everyone was flocking to see, and it wasn’t difficult to understand why. He was charming, he was attractive, he was smart. He knew food and he knew everyone even in this town and he--he was so  _ good _ at it, at everything. Taako scarcely mattered in comparison, was what he had to believe, what he had to think. He couldn’t let this shit go to his head, not now.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he admitted. “Anyway, uh, ready for some tasty ‘cakes ‘n’ eggs? I made you both! Figured you deserve a big breakfast on a special day like this.”

For the first time in awhile, Sazed looked so  _ unamused _ by him right there, and Taako froze without even thinking about it. “That’s kind of you, Taako,” he said, voice unimpressed, “but no, not today. A heavy breakfast like that will only make me feel sluggish, and that’s the last thing I need today. You really should have asked me before you started making food like that.”

“Sorry,” he babbled. “I just thought, like, you kind of usually tell me whatever’s good, so I just sort of--”

Sazed sighed. Taako was being annoying, wasn’t he? Fuck. “It’s all right, Taako, just throw that away and think of something better.”

Taako paused for just a beat. “But isn’t that, um, wasting some hella good food?”

Yup. Now he was being irritating for sure, and he could tell by the way Sazed tensed up. “It certainly is,” he said as curtly as possible, “and if it were up to  _ me, _ we wouldn’t be in this predicament. But since you took it upon  _ yourself _ to make such a colossal and ill-advised breakfast, we have no choice but to throw all of it out.”

“Okay, I mean, that’s fair,” he stammered. “Totally. Sorry, I--I wasn’t thinking.”

“What  _ else _ is new,” Sazed snarled.

The shame crept up on Taako again, so real and vivid and violent that he wanted to go live in a fucking pit somewhere.

They got through breakfast and Taako even made smoothies, but the worry caused by this incident was really taking its toll. Once that look of displeasure crossed Sazed’s face, once Taako knew just  _ how _ badly he’d fucked up at even making breakfast, it was impossible for the rest of the day to continue on like normal. He tried, to his credit; he smiled, he nodded, he twirled ‘round and ‘round in his new dress, he practiced smiling so wide and pretty and handing ingredients off to Sazed without a hitch, but his mind just got stuck on that displeasure and wouldn’t let it go.

It was mega inconvenient. He went back to the nice lady who did his makeup, hair, and nails days before to have all that shit done again, and he wanted to be friendly with her but his face was frozen in terror. Things happened all around him, but none of them really mattered, and somehow he found himself backstage waiting to go on at the end of it all, blinking out at a sea of faces with nothing short of terror written on his face.

“Don’t come out until I’m ready to introduce you,” Sazed was saying, “understand? Taako.  _ Taako. _ ”

“Huh?”

“Don’t come out until I’m ready to introduce you, until I start talking about how I’ll need assistance. Okay?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Taako mumbled, voice flat and afraid. “Sure thing, bub.”

“Good.”

Pretty soon, it was time.

Taako couldn’t help but admire Sazed, even from backstage. He was impeccably sharply dressed; he handled food like a pro, like he was fucking  _ born _ to do it, and if there had ever been a time when he’d been as nervous as Taako he sure as hell didn’t show it. He had a killer smile; he had beautiful eyes. He had a way with the entire crowd, getting them so pumped up, that Taako couldn’t even imagine. 

He was beautiful, but Taako couldn’t think about that. He heard his cue and walked out onstage just like they’d practiced, just like  _ he’d _ practiced. His feet were probably going to be covered in blisters and blood for the next little while, ‘cuz he couldn’t manage to break the heels in proper, but he grinned and bore it. It wasn’t any secret to him that success and beauty meant pain, not even with his limited amount of experience.

It didn’t really bother him, at first. He waved and looked pretty, which was what he was supposed to do. He handed ingredients off to Sazed without a problem, and there were even a few times when he was able to improvise little witty one-liners, which the crowd liked a lot. But the entire thing felt so surreal, like it shouldn’t have been happening, not to someone like him. He felt a familiar sensation of being sort of--not entirely there, but it didn’t matter because no one could tell. Even when it started kind of wigging him out, just the amount of eyes on him, nobody could tell. Nobody cared. Because he wasn’t here to do anything important, and so he just smiled and let things happen to him for the next little while.

Apparently, it was a success, ‘cuz he had roses? No, he accidentally  _ caught _ the roses but they had to be for Sazed, they just  _ had _ to be, ‘cuz he was  _ so _ great out there. He tried to mumble something like this to that effect at him, vaguely shoving the flowers in his direction, but he was told no, those were for  _ him. _ He was told that he’d done such an incredible job out there,  _ really, _ and he’d looked so stunning. He was told they should celebrate, and Taako guessed that meant they should, even if he felt kind of weird.

So it was probably how it was supposed to be when Sazed got them the fanciest bottle of wine Taako had ever seen. It was definitely all going according to plan when he popped the bottle open and poured a glass, and had such an elegant spread laid out. Those chocolate strawberries had definitely been  _ earned, _ right? So he could dig into them without remorse, and even when he was drinking the wine a little too fast, Sazed didn’t tell him to slow down. So that must’ve been fine, too.

And he wasn’t drunk.

Really, he wasn’t. He was super sober right now.

But  _ fuck, _ Sazed just had the  _ prettiest _ brown eyes.

“That’s good to know, Taako,” Sazed smirked.

“Aw, shit,” Taako exclaimed. “W’s I sayin’ that shit… ...um, out loud? Fuck.”

Sazed laughed, and his laugh was like music. “Little too much to drink, I think.”

“‘m such  _ trash, _ ” Taako giggled nervously, even as he tried to take another sip of an empty glass. “ _ Yikesaroo. _ I’m  _ soooo _ sorry!”

“On the contrary, my pet,” Sazed reassured him, looking deep into his eyes. “There’s no reason to apologize. Your eyes are rather pretty, too, you know.”

Oh, he was  _ blushing. _ Taako was  _ blushing _ and  _ giddy _ and giggling like a schoolgirl, and--and he was out of wine? He’d been for a while, but he wasn’t about to ask for more. And he had this newfound courage, maybe, that made him want to do something bold because when Sazed talked, pretty words kept coming out. Taako was stupid, stupid and awkward as  _ fuck, _ but Sazed? Sazed had pretty words, and a pretty face, and pretty eyes, and pretty lips, and--

\--and Taako wanted to  _ do _ something about those lips, so he--

\--he just kind of leaned in and got chocolate a  _ lil _ bit on his nice dress, dang, but he--

Sazed was an  _ amazing _ kisser. Taako’d kissed his fair share of people in his day, but they were all dirt. They were all nothing; they meant nothing, and he meant nothing to them. But Sazed left him fucking  _ breathless _ when he did it. The entire world melted away and he saw  _ stars _ and all he could think to do, really, was gasp, “It’s just like one of them  _ fairy tale kisses, _ ” before they started back up again. Sazed felt so warm and  _ good _ and Taako felt so  _ brave _ and  _ worthy _ and that meant that when they started pressing up against the table, it was uncomfortable, but it was okay. Sazed coaxed him to the bedroom, to  _ his _ bedroom, the fancy digs, and Taako knew how this part went so it was, in theory, okay. Because Sazed was a good kisser. He was a  _ great _ kisser. He was a fuckin’  _ excellent _ kisser, okay? And he had a rocking bod that was really nothing short of out of this world.

So like, it was okay. It was.

Even when Taako started becoming less of a participant, it was fine. Even when, suddenly, he was just  _ watching _ it all like a film on a screen, it was fine. Sazed was doing things to his body, and it was just the way it had always been, where Taako was far away. Barely even cared. Couldn’t care, couldn’t think about it, but it was okay because Sazed knew what to do. He let Sazed do what he want with--with him, same as always. He let him do it, same as always, and Sazed didn’t notice he wasn’t there.

“Was it as special as you hoped?” He asked.

Taako was there enough to say it. “I think so.”

Later, he’d find things like bruises because that was how Sazed liked it. He had claw marks down his back, just a little. For now, it went about the way it was supposed to be, and when he went to leave the bed Sazed told him not to go.

He didn’t go.

He fell asleep in Sazed’s arms.

It was the way it was supposed to be.


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emetophobia tw for this chapter.

Taako woke up coughing.

Just as before, it took him a moment to realize whose arms he was in, but when he did, he relaxed. When he remembered how the night had gone, and how he’d let it go the way it was supposed to go, he felt okay with it. It was okay, maybe, that he woke up feeling so cold and feverish, that it hurt to swallow, that his nose was running a little. He’d always managed shit like this by himself and tried to convince himself no matter _how_ crummy he felt that elves don’t get sick.

When he broke into the chicken pox somehow all on his own, it couldn’t’ve been true. He powered through _intense_ fevers all alone, operating on sheer willpower, because elves just didn’t get sick. So obviously, even as he sat and shivered in Sazed’s arms, elves didn’t get sick. It was cool. This didn’t ruin anything.

“Don’t tell me you’re getting sick,” Sazed’s voice said, flatly.

“What? No. ‘course not,” Taako insisted, even as his voice rasped. “Elves don’t get sick, my man.”

“It seems like they might,” Sazed pointed out. “And I can’t _afford_ to get sick alongside you.”

He moved off the bed, disentangling Taako from his arms, leaving him there to shiver.

“W-Well--” He sneezed, something so violent and awful it _hurt._ “At least let me make you breakfast, babe.”

“Babe?” Sazed raised an eyebrow.

Taako’s cheeks flushed under this scrutiny, and he felt horribly embarrassed. “I dunno, I just thought--since last night was so special, ‘n’ you said it yourself, uh--”

“In any case,” Sazed interrupted him, “there’s no way you’re making me breakfast today. I know what this is, Taako. I understand why you’re sick; life on the road is incredibly hard on the immune system from time to time, and you’re not used to it. But _I_ will not get sick alongside you. There’s just too much to be done, and we have to pack and get out of here.”

“Okay, well,” Taako tried, “lemme help _out_ then, at least--”

“No, no, no. You’re confined to the bed until further notice.”

Well, this was a first. Taako felt horribly guilty anyway, especially as he could hear Sazed’s frustrated mumbling under his breath that _really_ Taako, he knew getting sick wasn’t _possibly_ his fault and he wasn’t an unreasonable man honestly, but he had to do everything _himself_ now and it was so inconvenient. He tried to stay on alert as Sazed stomped around looking for everything, mumbling things to himself, but it was starting to occur to him that he wasn’t feeling too hot.

“Taako. _Taako._ ”

Had he been dreaming? In a trance? He snapped to attention or tried to. “Mmhm?”

“Have you seen--”

The urge to meditate was too strong; he couldn’t fight it. He could properly ward off sleep, being an elf an all, but his body yearned for meditation to recover. Unfortunately, he meant that he could keep his eyes open, smile, and nod, all while semi-conscious. Sazed blustered and Taako’s fever bloomed; but he was a distant figure, far away, not relevant, not--

“...making any _sense,_ ” spat Sazed. “Stop _daydreaming_ and lollygagging and _help me._ ”

“Um,” he came to slightly, head swimming. “Sorry. I was meditating.”

“I don’t care _what_ it was. This is not the time to _rest,_ Taako. There’s too much to be _done._ ”

“But you,” he rasped, then coughed, watching as Sazed inched away from him in disgust. “But you told me I was confined, to….” It was easy to zone out again. “...to… ...making Sazed eggs. They’re scrambled. First I have to--”

“Wake _up,_ ” Sazed barked.

“...oh, sorry,” he murmured, confused. “You told me… I was confined to bed, so I thought--”

“Well, you can still _help_ me from the bed, can’t you?”

“Can I? What do you, uh, need, my guy?”

“For one thing, where is the soufflé dish?”

“The, um… ...the soufflé dish?” He was really trying to focus. He _had_ to. “Did I ever have that one?”

Sazed sighed, clearly displeased with him. “Yes, you _did,_ Taako. It was what I asked you to make your _first day here._ How do even _recent_ memories escape you?”

This sent a little buzz of static through Taako’s brain, sending goosepimples up his spine and a little bit of nausea throughout his body. “Um, I don’t--” He shivered, bent over. “I don’t _know,_ compadre. Maybe you can ask Lu--”

He twitched, unnaturally.

“Maybe Lu--”

“Wake _up._ ”

He came out of the trance again, still confused. “I’m really sorry, Sazed. Uh, I… ...you know how I am. I’m a moron, but uh. I think mostly right now I’m--I’m a sick one. Got anything to, uh…” The static was _filling_ his ears now, making him feel worse and worse. “I just kind of need to--bucket? Pan? Pail?”

Something was brought to him. He didn’t care what it was. He just puked his guts out. The fever and the static had decided to mingle and create one single experience, and he felt so _confused._ Sazed deemed him “too contagious,” “too disgusting,” and “unhelpful to boot,” and mercifully left him alone, but he--he didn’t _want_ to be left alone.

The worse the fever got, the more intense the meditation was, and the angrier Sazed got every time he wasn’t making sense. He had taken to fever dreaming even as he meditated, getting upset over “loops” again, and he felt too out of it to even be embarrassed as Sazed complained. There was a _feeling_ and he couldn’t articulate it but it _hurt,_ and it wasn’t _fair._ He needed _something,_ but Sazed refused to wait on him, and that _was_ fair.

“For someone who claims to be a street urchin,” Sazed spat, “you aren’t very self-sufficient, are you?”

“Sorry,” Taako mumbled.

He was right, and it made Taako feel terribly guilty. Made him feel strange, too, in a way he didn’t want to ruminate on too much. That could’ve been the fever, though, too; he was shivering and awful, trying to sit up and falling into trances even as he did it. As if he didn’t feel shitty enough already about how incompetent he’d been and felt since he got there, now the proof was in the way he conducted himself, and he tried his _hardest_ to focus on whatever Sazed wanted. By the seventh failed attempt and Taako murmuring something he didn’t even _remember_ with meditation, Sazed gave up on him.

“Loops are becoming a real problem with you, you know?” He grumbled, and Taako could hear every single step he took. “It’s _always_ the loops getting in the way and causing all the ruckus.”

Taako shrunk down, ashamed and embarrassed. He didn’t remember _why_ or _what_ he dreamed about loops, and he didn’t remember buying Froot Loops, either. But it was true that they were the cause of a lot of shit in his life lately.

He was starting to notice, also, bruises he must have received the night before. There was a pain that stretched all the way down his spine, a scratch or a cut of some kind, and he must have mentioned it at some point to Sazed.

“You consented to everything I did, didn’t you? I thought last night was _special._ ”

Aw, shit. He sounded like such an ungrateful ass. “I-It was, my man,” he babbled, “don’t _worry_ about it… I’m just sore today, ‘s’all.”

“No, no,” Sazed crooned, and for the first time all day Taako felt supported and safe. “You’re absolutely _right,_ Taako. I should have been gentler with you. No doubt I’m partially to blame for your sickness.”

Sazed was so _beautiful_ , but he also looked, in that moment… ...profoundly guilty. And well, Taako didn’t _want_ him to feel responsible for something like his shitty immune system ever, and it was easy to forgive how short he’d been with Taako all morning because he was just trying to--just trying to _get going,_ and his elf companion was being so useless. Clearly he felt bad about it; it was enough to get Taako to reassure him, at least.

“Hey, hey, bub,” Taako tried, “no probz, okay? ‘m good. ‘m totally good.”

“You’re lying to make me feel better,” Sazed rightly accused of him.

“Okay,” Taako admitted. “But it’s not _your_ fault ‘m feelin’ shitty.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if it _was,_ ” Sazed crooned in response. “After all, I know I’ve been impatient today, elf. But we’re almost out of here, and when we are, you can rest. I’ll take such good care of you, okay?”

Taako thought Sazed was being silly. Overly dramatic, even. But the time did come when they had to move onto the next town, and when they did, Sazed even allowed him some form of medicinal shit that knocked him out cold. He was so relieved to be able to _sleep_ that he didn’t question it at all, drifting into full unconsciousness.

Whatever dreams he had were filled with static.

When he woke again, they were in a new place. Taako realized with heavy grogginess that it was dark outside, wherever they were, and he felt timid and badly when he finally rose. It didn’t matter, though; Sazed was so apologetic for the manner in which he’d conducted himself earlier, as he was just trying to get his show on the road, that he had made Taako homemade soup. It was just simple chicken noodle soup, but it warmed the innards and it meant the world.

“‘nks, babe,” he rasped, still out of it.

“It’s no problem at all, Taako,” Sazed dismissed. “I’ve been wrong to be so impatient with you. I know this can’t possibly make up for it, but--hopefully it helps a _little._ ”

“Helps more’n you know,” Taako reassured him, smiling softly.

He smiled so softly back that Taako felt like his heart could melt. “Well, good. I’m very glad to hear things like that, Taako. I just want to reassure you that, for as much as I am able, I will tend to your needs until you are better again. You should never have to suffer, be it from the common cold or anything else. I’ll see to it that you feel better, but you must be willing to work with me, hm?”

“Sounds good to me, my dude,” Taako agreed without being fully cognizant of the words.

“Excellent. I am curious about a few things, though.”

“Hit me,” Taako said nonchalantly, yawning.

“Firstly: can you taste the soup, or is it simply gogurt again? I find your magical blunder fascinating still…”

“Oh,” Taako blinked, sluggish and trying to comprehend. “I ‘unno, man. Soup’s kinna a tricky grey area. The _broth_ tastes like key lime, but not like… ...the noodles. Or the chicken.”

Sazed made a face. “That sounds… ...repulsive. I pity your plight _especially_ now.”

Taako shrugged. “I dunno, my man… ...pretty used to it.”

“Interesting,” Sazed murmured, looking deep in thought.

For a moment, Taako sat in silence in bed, cautiously and awkwardly eating soup as Sazed stared him down. There weren’t many thoughts in his head at all, but that wasn’t anything new; at least the soup gave him something about which to think that wasn’t just _static_ ringing in his ears and making him feel so much shittier.

After a moment, Sazed broke the silence, leaning forward. “Taako,” he said, “I confess I have an ulterior motive here. I didn’t just enter into this conversation to find out about how you perceive soup.”

Taako was too out of it to be worried. “Yeah?”

Sazed looked preoccupied, and Taako knew he should have cared more about it. There was more silence, punctuated only by Taako eating soup before Sazed spoke again. “Yeah,” he echoed. “Earlier I was helping you get more comfortable in bed, and I noticed something… ...unusual about your pillow.”

Just like that, Taako’s stomach did loop-de-loops and then dropped. “No kidding?”

Sazed frowned. “Yes. It seemed _much_ too uncomfortable for me, so I did some investigating.”

Taako swallowed his soup a little too hard, and it burned on the way down.”Oh.”

“Yes. And I was wondering… ...why do you have a book about magic, Taako?”

With horror, he realized his pillow was fluffier than usual. “Oh, _that_ old thing? I--I’ve always had it.”

“You’re lying,” Sazed accused, “but that’s all right. I’m just curious, that’s all; I’m not angry or disappointed in you. When did you buy it? The other day with the absurd Froot Loops?”

The elf shrunk, ears drooping, not making eye contact. “Yeah, I guess,” he murmured. “I dunno, I saw it in the store, and for _some_ reason I just--I just couldn’t--”

“My elf,” Sazed cooed, and it was so sweet that it sent even more shivers down Taako’s spine than he would have already felt. Despite claiming earlier that Taako was too contagious to be touched, he reached out and cupped his face in his hands. “I told you. I’m not cross with you. It’s all right. Merely curious, that’s all. Amused, even, perhaps.”

“Amused?” Taako echoed dumbly, dazed and looking into those intense brown eyes.

“Of course,” Sazed reassured him. “I know you don’t have the capabilities to master magic like that on your own. It’s… ...sweet, really. That you’d get so attached to some boyhood fantasy of yours, of being a wizard… ...but nothing more. If anything, I’m _charmed_ now.”

Taako’s face flushed even more than it had with the sickness. “Oh,” he murmured, ears perking up and then drooping again as if even his body couldn’t decide exactly the vibe it was trying to put out. “Oh, um, okay.”

He couldn’t tear himself away from those eyes.

Sazed chuckled, stroking his cheek still. “My wonderful elf companion,” he whispered, “you are so unbroken by the weight of the world. I admire it about you, actually. Practicality is simply not a factor. As such, I’ll allow you to keep the book. I’ll even watch you learn if you like.”

“...Hold on a tick.” Taako blinked, trying to process it. “Really?”

“Absolutely. I support you, my dear Taako, no matter how unattainable your dreams or how lofty your goals. I don’t think anything will _come_ of it, of course,” he clarified, “but there’s no harm in finding out together, hm?”

“Together,” Taako muttered.

“Just you and me,” Sazed confirmed. “Deal?”

“Holy fuck, _yes,_ ” Taako blurted out, voice still sick and cracking.

He was _so_ lucky.

Sazed laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk, it's been rly hard for me to write lately, but a comment i got on this made me feel a lot better about writing it the other day, so. hopefully this isn't too terrible. i rly want to get back into the groove of writing things, so we'll see. <3;; thanks for reading always. i love all of you so so much.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw implied physical abuse. and actual, i guess, tbh.

Sazed was _so kind_ over the course of the next few days.

This shouldn’t have come as any surprise to Taako, and he was reminded of that often. Of _course_ Sazed had it in him to be so kind and sweet, and the proof was in the pudding (or rather, a variety of delicious soups--so far the French onion had been Taako’s favorite). Gone and distant were the memories of him blustering so much and turning a blind eye to Taako’s sickness; that had just been a result of stress, of moving the show to the next town but now he was ready to be _so_ affectionate and supportive.

He was doing a good job of it, really. Taako was allowed to sit in bed and recuperate; he was allowed to help himself to soups, hot teas, and extra blankets and medicines that made him sort of pleasantly and overwhelmingly sleepy. He was so _excited_ to get to work on practicing this strange magic, though, and to be able to read his book with permission and approval--even _encouragement_ \--from Sazed. That was the best part.

“This one’s called Purify Food and Drink,” he slurred, voice thick with cold medicine. “Sounds _useful,_ doesn’t it, Sazed?”

“It certainly _would_ be,” Sazed agreed, “if we didn’t work with the finest ingredients available, my pet.”

“Speak for _yourself,_ ” Taako retorted before yawning. “That shit could’ve come in… ...in _handy_ workin’ diff caravans… ...never sure what we were working with, so we… ...could’ve…”

Just as he was about to nod off, Sazed’s voice brought him back to reality, agreeable and curious. “We? Did you not work alone at most of those jobs? I was led to believe so.”

“...could’ve _used_ somethin’ like Purify Food ‘n’ Drink…”

“Taako.”

“Mm?” He was just about to drift away.

“Did you cook with anyone else? I thought you were alone.”

“Was,” he answered simply, ears drooping and eyes shut, leaning over the book as it hung limply from his hands. “What’d I _say?_ ”

“You said ‘we,’ you said _‘we’_ were never sure what _‘we’_ were working with.”

Right then, the _static_ hit. It was merciless and unforgiving and it made him cup his hands over his ears and wince. Sazed was voicing some kind of concern for him, something, but he couldn’t focus on it or care. Eventually, they both arrived at the conclusion that the mental strain of reading and trying to learn magic--particularly while sick--was too much, and Sazed gently took the book from his hands and put it away.

“This has been a strain on you, no doubt,” Sazed cooed, sounding so gentle and reassuring. “No more magic for now. Just rest, my elf.”

“You _got_ it, kemosabe,” Taako affirmed, flashing an “okay” sign before sinking deep down into the pillow and covers. “No more… ...magic for me…”

“Good,” Sazed praised him. “Very good. We can’t have you sick for much longer.”

Thankfully, he wasn’t. Within a day or two, Taako was starting to recover again, which was particularly exciting because _now_ he could get back to cooking. Now he could focus, again, on what was most important: getting things ready for the show and pleasing Sazed. In the time he’d been out sick, Sazed had decided that their next show was going to feature roast duck with blackberry-orange sauce and that they’d also treat their audience to chocolate puffs with mascarpone cream. So today, he was going to go out for ingredients.

Until then, it was time to get back in the kitchen. He was so giddy that he made Sazed a _different_ sort of breakfast. He found oatmeal bread and toasted it lightly ‘til golden, spread one slice with ricotta and drizzled it with sourwood honey, sprinkled it with pepper flakes, and topped it with another piece of bread.

“A sandwich for breakfast, hm?”

“I know it, uh, doesn’t look like much, but--”

Wisely, Taako shut up as Sazed took a bite.

“Hmm. Just sophisticated enough to grab my attention, simple enough to be a good breakfast, and certainly a pleasant surprise, much like those pepper flakes! You’ve got high marks from me, my elf.” To Taako’s immense delight and surprise, Sazed leaned over and _kissed_ him. “What a wonderful start to the day. Normally, I’d have you go out for the ingredients yourself, but I think after last time--”

His ears drooped. “I’m so sorry,” he stammered at the floor. “No Froot Loops.”

Sazed soothed him as he smoothed his hair. “It’s _okay,_ Taako. I forgive you, okay? No need to harp on the past.”

He was relieved, but Taako still found himself shaking when he was handed the shopping list. He looked _so_ nervous, evidently, that Sazed was noticing. “I’ll be with you this time. Not to worry.” He peered over at Taako’s hands. “Still running that water hot, are you? We’ll need to fix that.”

Taako blinked down at his red hands. “Yeah, I uh, guess so, my man. Anyway, uh, you wanna hit the town? Goldcliff this time, right?”

“Yes, that is _indeed_ where we are. One of my favorite places to come. Can’t stand that Little West End, though.”

“Uh, aren’t they like, kind of impoverished?”

“Oh, yes. But that’s not the _problem._ It’s the illegal activities, the Battlewagon racing, that I can’t stand. Criminals flaunting in the face of the law! The community doesn’t deserve that, such a blight on their otherwise perfect city.”

“Seems to me they’re probably just doing what they can,” Taako mumbled before he could stop himself.

“What?”

“Well, uh,” he stammered as if unable to keep his big mouth shut, “I dunno about you, but I’ve _been_ dirt poor, and stuff like that’s probably pretty lucrative if you’re good at it, right? Law’s not like, necessarily a factor when you gotta figure out how you’re gonna get your paws on your next meal.”

Sazed just blinked at him as though he were _fully unprepared_ for this tangent, before sighing. “Oh, my elf. It’s such a fortunate thing that I found you, hm? Before you stooped so low.”

 _Actually,_ he wanted to say, _I’ve been a thief my whole life._

 _Actually,_ he wanted to say, _I bet battlewagon racing requires a lot of skill._

But he supposed he _was_ lucky to have Sazed, anyway; he didn’t _have_ to worry about where his next meal was coming from, even if it sometimes came a little late because of his own stupidity. He was learning, and he was proud of himself and hoped the lesson could stick. He was _learning_ not to argue or question the opinions of someone so much more successful than he was, so much smarter. After all, Sazed had played whatever cards were given to him in life and _won;_ Taako couldn’t win no matter what he tried.

They weren’t going to Little West End, anyway. Taako cast a curious glance in its direction on the horizon, feeling like if he could get there it would at least be _familiar,_ but instead he was led into this town so schmaltzy and fancy their _bank_ was made of _gold._ He couldn’t stop staring at it, eyes wide as saucers, and it only got fancier from there. Stores with brand names he didn’t even _recognize_ with floors so shiny Taako could see his face reflected back into them were the next little while, people in gorgeous dress, and for a moment the elf remembered how ugly everyone thought his hat was at the _last_ place and was so ashamed.

There must’ve been somethin’ obvious about his body language because Sazed noticed. “Why do you hide, hm? Pull that hat up so everyone can see that gorgeous face. _Smile._ ”

Taako didn’t know whether or not that was a demand. He tried anyway.

“That’s it,” Sazed cooed, ever so encouraging and lovely. “You’re probably intimidated being around this amount of class. I bet you’ve never seen anything like this before, ah? Feel as though you don’t belong here.”

Taako _immediately_ went red as a beet, trying to hide again and nodding meekly. He could swear that people were staring at him, him and his stupid garbage patchwork hat that he refused to get rid of, his awkward gait so out of step with theirs, the face of a fraud. He’d never felt more ashamed to be himself. “I _don’t_ belong here,” he tried, smiling so wide it hurt his face.

“Taako, stop.”

Obediently, almost without thinking, Taako did. Sazed was grasping his shoulders and for a minute there was that urge to-- _flinch?_ Flinch _away,_ which was fucking confusing and unhelpful ‘cuz it wouldn’t have been the first time a man had grabbed him there and demanded attention. It wasn’t a big deal to be handled that way, and he didn’t need to make it a whole production. But Sazed wasn’t looking at him the same way men usually did; he wasn’t lustful or enraged or anything of the sort. Instead, his eyes were gentle. Kind.

“You _do_ belong here now, you know,” Sazed informed him very seriously and softly, rubbing his shoulders. “Because of me. Maybe you didn’t before, hm? Maybe you were nothing more than a street urchin before, like those people in Little West End. But those terrible days are _behind you,_ my pet. You belong here now because you belong to _me,_ Taako. Do you understand?”

Sazed reached out and stroked his cheek so softly it gave him goosebumps.

“You belong here because _I_ say so. No one needs to know anything else.”

“Didn’t realize my insecurity was that obvious,” he murmured back, unable to keep himself from blushing. “Guess I just, uh, don’t wanna make you _look_ bad, y’know? I know--I know last time, nobody liked the hat.”

“Is _that_ what you’re hung up over? I’ll admit I don’t understand why you keep it on your person--but for astral plane’s _sake,_ Taako. The most offensive thing that hat could do now is hide your face. Of _course_ you don’t make me look bad, love. You’re here because you do the exact _opposite._ ”

As they approached some fancy store, Taako blinked, befuddled. “I do?”

“Of course you do. I _want_ people to see us together, understand? I want them to see us together, and think, ‘What a gorgeous elf Sazed’s got with him!’ I want us,” he said in a slightly lower voice, whispering in Taako’s ear, “to be the _envy_ of everyone here. Because you’re gorgeous and I’m talented and we can have _anything we want._ ”

“Anything we want,” he echoed, processing this info.

“ _Now_ you’re getting it. Let’s breeze through this list--no strange sugary cereals this time--and then we can have a bit of fun.”

“Sounds good to _me,_ stud,” Taako purred.

“Don’t be so _crass,_ ” Sazed hissed. “We’re in _public._ ”

Oh, shit. He must have misunderstood. Well, _that_ was nothing new, at least.

Anyway, it didn’t matter, because soon they were entering a shop _so packed with people and food_ Taako couldn’t believe his eyes. It occurred to him, just briefly, that it felt strange knowing that there were places like this absolutely stuffed to the goddamn _gills_ with food, and yet there were starving people just on the other side of town, but he realized this wasn’t a thought that he could indulge too much. No one on this side of the tracks wanted to think about that, did they? It was _wrong_ to think about that, somehow, and it marked him as an outsider. So he made a point _not_ to think about it as he followed Sazed throughout the store, eyes wide, sticking obediently to the list.

Occasionally Sazed would ask him what was next on the list, and he’d have to look at it and tell him so, and then they’d go through this absurdly gigantic food emporium or whatever and Taako would eye several ingredients he _knew of_ but had never actually gotten to touch or be around. It all went off without a hitch, pretty much. Was okay, pretty much, until somehow the amount of people became _vaguely_ overwhelming and his fingers got an itch and he got separated from Sazed, just briefly, and he--

\--he blinked and there they were again, his worst nightmare: the goddamn Froot Loops.

He immediately tried to search for a place to set them down, but he had no idea where he got them in the _first_ place, and it wasn’t long at all before Sazed found _him_ first.

“I’m--I was going to put them back,” he babbled uselessly. “I _swear._ I just couldn’t find where I got them, I--”

Sazed looked at the box, then at him, and his face was so calm. “It’s all right, Taako. No harm done. This is why I’m here to help, after all, until we can trust you not to do things like this. Put them away where you can--the staff will put them back, it’s their _job_ to do so--and let’s move on, okay?”

“Uh, sure thing, Sazed,” Taako said, and he almost felt relief when he put them back. “Sorry, I uh, I don’t know how I got them or where they came from.”

“That’s all right. No gold wasted this time. Come along to the front, then, where we may purchase our _actual_ wares.” When Sazed grabbed Taako’s wrist and tugged him along, he understood the gravity of how much he’d fucked up. His grip was tight and unforgiving, subtle enough that no one in the store probably knew, but enough that Taako had to keep himself from wincing.

A bruise would bloom there later, he thought.

That was his last thought.

When he blinked again, the marketplace was gone. They were--somewhere private enough? Sazed was saying something about how he couldn’t have his culinary apprentice so strangely fixated on such _non-food._ This would be the _end_ of the loops, he was saying, do you understand? _No more,_ and if he _heard any more of them--_ static, static, it made him feel even more disoriented than he already was. At least this time, he nodded and agreed, face smooth and features perfect and indistinguishable from someone who wasn’t upset at all. He didn’t cry, not this time, and he felt stronger for it.

“No more, uh, loops,” he agreed. “You got it, Boss.”

“Very good, then.” Sazed sounded _relieved._ “Now we can still have the little bit of fun I have planned, but first, it’s imperative that you wear _these._ ” He fished the snazziest pair of specs Taako had ever seen out of some bag, and he sported them gladly.

“Thought you told me not to hide my face,” Taako pointed out, “but hey. I ain’t complainin’.”

Sazed froze. “You… ...don’t remember?”

“Remember _what,_ handsome?” Oh, _ow._ His eye hurt.

“I tried to stop you--you ran into a door. Suppose you didn’t see the glass.”

That sounds like something that would happen to a _bird,_ Taako’s mind giggled deliriously.

He didn’t know why. It was probably best not to voice thoughts like that anyway. But even though it was hard to believe someone could make a mistake that stupid--Taako knew that it wasn’t hard to believe for _him._ He was probably so preoccupied with the goddamn cereal or something that he just ran smack dab into one. He didn’t know why Sazed even bothered with someone so goddamn embarrassing.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he giggled nervously. “Must’ve… ...must’ve hit my head too hard. You know me--I’m such a _klutz._ ”

“It’s quite all right, elf,” Sazed reassured him. The man had the patience of a saint. “If it makes you feel any better, those spectacles are _incredibly_ expensive and handsome on you. They suit you well.”

It _did_ make him feel a little better.

Even after he’d been so careless with the cereal, Sazed bought him some _incredibly_ fancy (and rather potent) alcohol and some dessert with gold flakes in it. It seemed _absurd_ to Taako even without being incredibly drunk, but he had to admit it was nice how the man sitting across from him was treating him with such luxury. He encouraged the wait staff to allow Taako to have as much of _anything_ as he’d like while asking Taako questions about the flavor and texture of the dessert (and seeing if he could pick out ingredients). When he did something right, Sazed rewarded him with a light kiss or two. It was _delightfully_ surreal; everything felt so much like a dream, and he even carried Taako back.

“This night was soooo _fancy,_ ” he slurred, feeling warm and nice. “Holy _shit._ ”

“Aren’t you glad we’re not going to Little West End now, hm?” Sazed had the most _gorgeous_ and amazing smile in the _entire_ world.

“You _kidding?_ ” Taako chuckled at the night sky. “Little West End can _blow me._ Wow, I’m _drunk._ I shouldn’t say any of this out loud. You have to stop getting me _drunk._ ”

“You deserve fine things, that’s all,” Sazed shrugged it off, ‘cuz he was _totally modest._ “Goldcliff is without a doubt the finest example of high class we have today. I wanted to give you a taste of it while we’re here.”

“It’s _amazing,_ ” Taako breathed against him, feeling his warmth and his breath and hearing his heartbeat. Even the stars were so clear in the sky somehow. “I _love_ it here. Don’ ever wanna _leave._ ”

Sazed laughed. “Well, thankfully we’re here for a few more days yet.”

In the moonlight, Sazed looked so radiant, so _beyond_ beautiful. Against the backdrop of the stars, scent of the night desert air filling everything, it was almost too wonderful for Taako to take. He never thought he’d be subjected to something so lovely, so stunning, but looking up at him as he held Taako so tenderly in his arms was--was beyond description. He wondered if he’d ever be in the presence of something so beautiful again, and he promptly doubted it.

Clumsily, drunkenly, but sincerely, he leaned in for a passionate kiss.

“I love you,” he blurted out as they got back to the caravan and Sazed got him settled in bed.

He was out before he knew whether or not Sazed responded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand it's back!! <3;; hopefully this chapter was... like, satisfactory. THERE'S A LOT MORE I WANT TO COVER, SO. maybe more soon?? we will see. thanks always for being so supportive. you guys mean the world. ;A;


	8. Chapter 7

The Goldcliff show went by without a hitch.

Also without much awareness, unfortunately. Taako knew that at some point, it was off to a _new_ hairdresser and makeup artist, and he felt strange about how this one looked at his black eye. But he was friendly, and they were friendly, and the look for this show was dripping with gold, _naturally._ He was gold and more glamorous than he’d ever been; some people enjoyed the last show so much that they made the trek out to this one, and he was stuttering through words he couldn’t remember at faces that seemed foggy and fuzzy.

Afterward, there was some kind of… ...exclusive, high-class mingling. He got to be the one to pass out the remaining chocolate puffs with mascarpone cream to people dressed fancier than he ever _dreamed_ anyone could be. They thanked him, politely; they said he was such a wonderful assistant, but weirdly they were surprised that _he_ made these particular puffs when he told them. Some of them refused to eat them, which was weird.

“Are you not enjoying yourselves, ladies?” Sazed asked of them as he dropped by to see what was up.

“Oh, no, we are,” a dragonborn woman assured him. “We just don’t know about accepting food made by… ...the _help._ ”

 _That_ wasn't a tone of voice anyone had ever used when referring to Taako before. It didn’t sit right with him; sure, he’d _helped_ people before at dozens of caravans, even in sketchier situations than that to make a few bucks, but there was something about her tone when she said it that made Taako feel awful. He wished he had his hat on so he could hide under it, so it could serve as some kind of tacky excuse and they could leave, and he couldn’t help it when his face flushed with embarrassment.

Sazed didn’t seem the least bit surprised with this attitude, honestly, and he worked at soothing them and not even paying attention to Taako at all. “Oh, of course, I know sometimes you can never tell the quality of the food when underlings make it,” he reassured them, and Taako’s face was red hot and his ears were drooping so low. “But I can assure you, these pastries are perfectly _fine_ to eat. Taako is a _very_ accomplished cook; his story is an inspiring one, actually.”

Of course he was grateful to Sazed for sticking up for him, but as the man clasped an arm around his shoulder, drawing him in and putting all those judgmental eyes on him, Taako wished he was literally doing _anything else._ “Really?” A halfling asked, daring to poke a little at the puff she’d been served, at least. “Well then, let’s hear it!”

“Isn’t someone from the Goldcliff Gazette here?”

“Oh, undoubtedly… They’re always looking for the next scoop.”

“I _love_ a good story,” gushed the dragonborn woman. “Go on, then.”

Sazed was staring at him expectantly and laughing light-heartedly. “Well, then, Taako?”

“Hm?” He needed to… ...to focus. He was fiddling with his braid in a way that was probably _super_ unattractive. Fuck.

“Regale them, love,” Sazed urged him, nudging him a little. “Go on. He’s a little slow on the uptake, unfortunately. Bit of a savant. But I found the kindness in my heart to take him in, and he shows _such_ promise in the kitchen. Isn’t that right, darling?”

“Uh,” Taako murmured, frozen and staring outward. “Yeah, pretty much. I uh, I was basically _homeless?_ Before Sazed. My whole life, actually.”

They gasped in a way he decided he hated.

“My goodness!”

“Just like Sazed to extend kindness to a street urchin!”

“Where did you learn to cook?”

Taako wished he could just blink out of reality and it would be all over, still playing with his hair. He was sort of undoing the pretty braid they made of his hair now, and it was wispy and wavy and flowing at least, but he felt frazzled. This was something he thought he could answer, though, after a second of trying to register what had even been _said_ because the static hit him so hard and nearly bowled him over. “My aunt,” he said over the static, still feeling nauseous, “I… ...think? It was my aunt’s house. She taught me what I knew, um, before I… ...had to leave.”

“So you’ve been cooking since you were young, then?”

“Have you ever cooked with anyone else before?”

The static distorted _everything_ right then. His braid was almost entirely undone and he tried to keep himself composed, because Sazed would be so fucking unhappy if he lapsed into an episode about loops right now, but his breath hitched in his throat just a little and the world went a little off-kilter.

Thankfully, Sazed could see he looked a little woozy and deflected for him. “Things like this can be a bit much for Taako, ladies. He’s had a long, long day. Perhaps we’ll answer these personal questions another time.”

The elf was so grateful he could cry as the ladies all fell over themselves with apologies, _clearly_ into Sazed in more than one way. They fawned over how pretty his dress was, how he was quite the looker and so fortunate for Sizzle it Up, but none of it was overly important to Taako. He already _knew_ all that, so he zoned out until it was thankfully all over. His feet were covered in the most _hideous_ blisters, all bloodied from the shoes, and he felt such relief to finally kick ‘em off his feet. He had permission from Sazed to go soak ‘em, as long as he fetched his own warm water, so he obediently did so (and burned his hands, again, but whatever).

“The crowd certainly took a liking to you today,” Sazed noted from the bed as he undressed.

“‘ _Zat_ what you call it?” He wasn’t thinking about responses, not thinking about his own personal words anymore as he dipped his feet into the bucket of warm water and sighed with relief.

Sazed laughed. “Oh, I know some people can lack tact, and that part of the job is truly awful! But they thought you were very pretty. And,” he murmured into Taako’s neck as he caught him from behind, making him blush, “so did I.”

Taako giggled a little nervously, kicking his feet in the water. “You sure know how to flatter a guy. Soakin’ my awful ugly feet ‘n’ you’re _still_ a horrible flirt.”

His companion practically _purred_ into his ear. “Don’t be so unkind,” he demanded, kissing Taako on the cheek so soft. “They’ve already been through _so much_ today.”

“Boy, you _said_ it,” Taako sighed, nearly sinking into this feeling before he came to his senses just a little. “Uh, but listen, Sazed-- _ooh._ _Stop,_ where do you get all this _energy_ from? We’ve been hard at work _all day!!_ ” He giggled and protested, kicking his feet just slightly still, as Sazed kissed his neck and his cheeks and his mouth and his _ear_ and he was so fucking _hot_ it was ridiculous, but--

\--but--

“It’s _your_ fault for being so stunning, my pet,” he hummed. “Besides, that only means we deserve some time for relaxation, hm?”

“I guess,” Taako agreed without thinking, nearly melting into his arms. “But um, wait--listen. I’m… I’m a little tired.”

“So come to bed with me, hm? We’re in the right place for it, aren’t we?”

“No, but--but I mean.” Ugh, this was the _worst._ He was so ungrateful, and he couldn’t even look anywhere except the bucket filling with bloody water now. “I’m… ...I’m not really in the mood? I--I’m really sorry. I’m just super tired and not… ...like, feeling it, is all.”

Immediately, Sazed went rigid and then sat back. “Oh,” he said, “I see.”

“Maybe, um,” Taako stammered, “maybe tomorrow morning? Right now I’m just sort of spent, you--you know? It’s--it’s nothing to do with _you,_ if that makes you feel better. You’re super charming as always.”

“No,” Sazed’s voice came from behind him. “No, I completely understand. It’s just we have to pack up and leave tomorrow for the next town, and I thought… ...well, after all I’ve done for you lately, I thought you could muster up some gratitude.”

Taako _started_ so much he nearly toppled the bucket, quick to widen his eyes and get his feet out of the water and turn. “What? No, it’s not like that, I _swear._ I’m supes appreciative and everything, I’m just kind of exhausted. Taako’s gotta get his beauty sleep, y’know?”

This time, when Sazed laughed, it wasn't the musical and light thing he liked so much. It was mocking, almost, in a way. Sort of grating. Taako had to try not to cringe, and wound up smiling super wide and flashing his teeth instead. “You don’t think that _I’m_ exhausted? For goodness’ sake, Taako. I put this entire blasted thing _together._ This show is _my_ doing, not yours. What have you done other than adorn me like an ornament?”

He was backing off the bed now, reflexively, and he had to try not to hit the bucket. “Um,” he stammered, “I made the… ...the puff pastries?”

“Yes,” Sazed sighed, “and what a _toll_ that must take on _you._ For someone with your background, you are _so_ spoiled.”

Taako bit his lip so hard it bled, not even registering the pain. “Sorry,” he muttered, finding himself near tears again.

“What? Speak up when addressing someone of my status. It’s only polite. All this _mumbling_ from you!”

“I--I’m _sorry,_ ” Taako managed, and he definitely sounded like he was about to cry again, which was weird and stupid. “Look, for--forget I even said anything, okay? I never get to say ‘no’ to this shit, I dunno what I was thinking--”

Just like that, Sazed’s voice went soft and gentle. In a way, it was even more frightening, and the hairs stood up on the back of Taako’s neck. “Do you think you can’t say ‘no’ to me, Taako?”

Silence.

“Answer the question, please.”

“It--it doesn’t _matter,_ ” he managed, playing with his hair some more.

“Of _course_ it does. Do you think I would _force_ you into this?”

Taako didn’t know what to say. “Listen, let’s just--”

“Have I _ever_ forced you to touch me?”

“ _No,_ ” he blurted out before he can think about it, “of--of course not--”

“Then why do you think you can’t say ‘no?’”

Taako’s mind reeled. Why _did_ he think he couldn’t say “no?” It was a good question, but he couldn’t come up with an answer, and everything was so fuzzy ‘round the edges. He was tired before, but now he was filled with nervous adrenaline, heart skipping beats and hands so clammy he was almost disgusted with himself. “I--I don’t know what you want me to say, Sazed.”

There was another moment of horrible, hideous silence. “Very well, then. You’ve sufficiently ruined the mood for _both_ of us anyway. Tomorrow, let’s have breakfast out somewhere before we hit the road, something better than that French toast you always make. I’d like to eat something different for a change.”

This felt like such an insult. Shouldn’t have been surprised by now, but of course Taako had fucked up again, and this was his punishment. “Oh, um. Okay. That’s cool. Goodnight, Sazed.”

But Sazed was already pretending to sleep, cold and uninviting.

Taako _knew_ he wasn’t very smart, knew that any opportunity he got in life would be a fucking blessing from Ohmec or whatever that dude’s name was, but he wasn’t _that_ dense. It was easy to tell they wouldn’t be sharing a bed that night, so he found himself wandering off with sore feet to his own guest room. Something was _wrong_ with him, he decided. Something was so wrong with him that he was going to ruin this entire opportunity for himself, and something made him so entitled to this new life that he could just go around accusing people of being predators and telling them he wasn’t up for sex.

It was already changing him, maybe.

Or maybe he’d always been this way.

Either way, there was no way he could sleep now. He lied down on his back, feeling the space of a bed all to himself and just weirdly feeling so on _edge_ about it all. He dug his fingernails deep into his palms, trying to find some way to make sure he felt awful for behaving this way so he wouldn’t fuck up again, and he thought about life before Sazed. Tried to, anyway. It was that something was wrong with his brain, so fucked up. It was that he was an _idiot,_ natch, so of course he’d blow this in no time. He could almost visualize the fame he’d stumbled into being like sand running through his fingers.

It felt like an eternity.

He didn’t sleep. He didn’t meditate.

That was probably why the next weird thing happened.

There was a figure in red at the foot of his bed. He was willing to bet _anything_ that he was dreaming, except he _knew_ he wasn’t, so it was probably some kind of hallucination. Made sense, given how scrambled his wires had been lately. He still didn’t dare move in the face of it, eyes wide and ears perked straight up. “What the hell,” he wondered.

The figure raised a bony, skeletal finger to its lack of lips.

He didn’t say anything after that, just rapt and watching this figure.

“Listen to me, Taako,” the figure demanded of him, whispering so soft. “I--I don’t have much time. You _need_ to listen. This is wrong.”

“What?” Taako definitely felt like he was dreaming. “What’s wrong?”

“Shh… I know it’s confusing right now, but it’s gonna make sense. But you have to listen to me if you want to get out of here, okay?”

“Why would I want to get out?” He asked of the figure, deliriously. “Sazed is so _kind_ to me.”

“Just remember,” the figure tried, “remember that we had this talk, okay? The next time you feel trapped, remember me. I’m not gonna let you suffer like this, Taako. I’m gonna help you get out. Don’t worry about the details. I’ll take care of it. Just do what I say, and you should be okay.”

“Um,” Taako tried.

“Magic is _important,_ Taako. Don’t let him tell you--don’t let him stop you from learning. I know you can do it. I _know_ you can.”

“Hang on a sec,” he forced his mouth to make the words, mostly still agape. “Who _are_ you? What’s it to you if I learn a couple spells?”

“I know,” said the figure, in response to nothing Taako could figure out. “I know, it’s awful that it’s even taken me this long to check up on you. I should’ve been doing it from the beginning. She’d _fall apart_ if she--but it doesn’t matter. I’m gonna make this right, Taako. Don’t you worry, okay? Hang in there. For me. For her.”

“Who?”

The sound of Sazed stirring startled him. “I’ll--I’ll _kill_ him. I swear to god, I’ll _kill_ him. I’ll **_fucking rip his soul out of his body._ ** ”

When Taako _flinched,_ the figure in red softened.

“Oh, no, Taako,” it tried to soothe him. “No, no, I won’t hurt you. I won’t ever hurt _you,_ I promise, and this is gonna take awhile but I swear if you just hang in there for a _little_ longer and do what I tell you--”

“Taako? Who are you _talking_ to in there?”

“Fuck,” cursed the figure. “Shit.”

And then it was gone, as quickly as it arrived. As usual, Taako had no clue what was going on. 

It was a comforting feeling, free of responsibility.

Reluctantly, he rose to meet the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY GETTIN' ANOTHER CHAPTER OF THIS UP. gosh i've been thinkin' 'bout it for awhile. <3 love you all, as always.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for physical abuse this chapter.

Breakfast was awful.

Okay, no, that wasn’t exactly  _ fair. _ Taako was sure it was fine and had its own charm, especially since it was so fucking fancy. Every single dish splayed out before him was excellently presented, elegant and edible in the best of ways, and the staff were all polite. But Sazed had told him he wasn’t allowed breakfast, today. That it wasn’t a punishment (even though it felt like one?), but more of a necessity, since they were moving to the next town soon, and this much food would make Taako sluggish.

So he sat and watched Sazed eat it all, never daring to wonder whether or not it made  _ him _ sluggish. Sazed would’ve hated him for the suggestion. He was allowed to drink the water the waitress gave him, smiling at her with the sunglasses he was careful to keep on (since he didn’t want people to think he was so stupid he ran into a door). 

“He’s not eating?” The waitress asked, seeming concerned for Taako.

Taako tensed.

“No, he’s insistent on maintaining his figure, that’s all. I keep telling him he can eat just about anything and look  _ beautiful, _ but…”

“Oh, darling,” the waitress said, pain in her eyes as she looked at Taako. “You don’t have to go without food. I’ll bring you somethin’ free of charge, how about that?”

“Please don’t,” Taako pleaded, a lump in his throat already.

“Matter of fact,” she said, “you don’t need to hide that face. You’re  _ beautiful. _ Why don’t you take off those sunglasses, too, hm? You’re a very,  _ very  _ pretty elf. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.” The human woman meant well, but Taako flinched and took his sunglasses off, almost without thinking, frozen in the horror of it.

“Oh,” the waitress gasped. “Oh, I see. Um. Sorry to--”

“I ran into a door,” he laughed like he wasn’t close to crying. He hid his face.

“I’m sure you… ...did. Um.”

“That’s it,” Sazed suddenly declared. “We’re  _ done _ here. This is  _ highly _ unprofessional behavior. You’ll find that I’ve given you a most generous tip, as I am a decent and kind man, but this is  _ not _ appropriate and we are leaving at once. Come on, Taako.” He felt it then, that same wrenching of his wrist, and it hurt a little more than usual, but he obeyed compliantly.

As he went out the door, the waitress whispered to him. “Honey, if he’s hurting you, we have a militia. You can--you can press charges if you--”

“Quit  _ dillydallying, _ ” Sazed huffed, “and come  _ on. _ ”

This was what ultimately sprained his wrist. Maybe even broke it. Taako knew better to complain, still feeling horribly confused and sick to his stomach with the heat of Goldcliff. He’d still try to help move and pack if he could. This timing was terrible, but he’d power through. But when he got back to his guest room at the caravan, a note was waiting for him, written in handwriting he didn’t recognize:

_ “Start with cantrips. Prestidigitation is a good one. They should have that in your book. Maybe thaumaturgy, too. You are so loved, Taako.” _

He knew he had to hide the note, so he hid it under his pillow, like usual. When it came time to help pack and he was wincing in pain, Sazed  _ sighed _ because it was always something with him, but permitted him to at least read his spellbook. Taako tried not to look too eager as he got his hands on the spellbook and found the section on cantrips pretty easily.

“Not just mindlessly thumbing through today, are we?” Sazed asked.

Taako nearly didn’t notice him, he was so intent on finding the spell. Once he found it, he lit up. “Yeah, I dunno, it turns out… ...um, cantrips… ...are lower than spells? Or somethin’. I wanted to see what the deal was with ‘em.”

“Hm. Anything interesting? I must apologize for taking us out to eat earlier. I should never doubt your good taste.”

“‘S’okay,” he dismissed Sazed, having nearly forgot about it already. “Um, there’s one called… ...pres…. ….prestidigitation. It, um… …I feel like I’ve learned this before.” That’s when the static started, and he looked  _ sick, _ which made Sazed nearly take the book  _ from _ him, but he panicked and insisted he was fine. “Anyway, it… ...it just creates harmless effects. Apparently I can do something with… ...uh, with flavor? Hm.”

“Very interesting,” said Sazed in his gentle way. “But perhaps we give your mind a rest now, hm? Why don’t you just nap while I prepare?”

He suddenly realized he hadn’t slept. It hit him like a freight train, but he wanted to keep reading spells. “But thaumaturgy…” He yawned. “Thaumaturgy sounds pretty wicked cool, too… ...um… ...I… I’ll stay awake, I’ll…”

When Sazed tucked him in and gave him a kiss, he was out.

 

* * *

 

Barry  _ knew _ that he couldn’t cause a fuss.

Not yet.

This situation was delicate. He… ...gods, he should’ve checked on Taako  _ first. _ The loss of Lup was worse for him than just about any of them, except for Barry himself. He wanted to see how his friends were doing, but he’d been so preoccupied trying to set things up for himself. Magnus seemed fine in Raven’s Roost, making a good honest living with woodworking projects ‘n’ the like. Merle was  _ thriving _ at the beach, his favorite place in the world. He was leading a quiet sort of life. He should’ve checked on Taako. He  _ shouldn’t have assumed that all of them were fine. _ It took a little bit of thought and digging around to find that Lucretia put him with some famous cooking star, Sazed. He expected Taako to be thriving too as an assistant, happy and humming and raking in actual money for himself. He wanted it to be a  _ good _ thing because Taako deserved that.

But it wasn’t.

Barry had seen more than enough to prove it.

Just the way he  _ talked _ was enough to prove it. He was like a  _ child, _ easily influenced. Maybe he had actual brain damage. Fuck knew. He was lost and scared and being so so hurt and it made Barry’s fucking  _ blood _ boil, to the point where he nearly  _ lost _ it. Liches were all emotion, and it was so difficult not to devolve into  _ pure rage _ about it all, but he had to keep it in check. Just like the grief, it was there, but it couldn’t sustain him. Hope could, though. Hope and maybe taking the right steps.

So he set about figuring out how to do it. The fact that Taako owned a book on transmutation was promising, though of course the  _ absolute monster _ he was with was trying to convince him he couldn’t do magic. That was the most important thing for now, honestly. So he appeared in his bedroom, probably further scrambling his poor brain, and then waited ‘til they were gone to leave a note. And hoped.

Next stop was finding Lucretia.

He found her… ...on the ship.

Still sleeping in her old bed.

Davenport with her.

“Lucretia,” he tried, “I’m sorry to wake you, but--”

“ _ Barry? _ ” Her eyes immediately snapped open, filled with tears. “Oh, Barry, I’m so glad to  _ see _ you. I just had the most  _ terrible _ nightmare that I--” As realization dawned, her eyes filled with even  _ more _ tears, and she backed up. “Barry, please don’t  _ hurt _ me. I did what I had to do, and I’m sorry, but I--”

“I’m not gonna  _ hurt _ you,” Barry sighed. “I get that you think this is the only option or whatever. And… ...and that doesn’t really matter to me right now? Magnus and Merle are fine. Davenport’s not, but you’re taking care of him, I guess? That’s kinda morally grey. But Taako. It’s about  _ Taako, _ Lucretia.”

“Taako?” She was fully sat up in bed now, wide-eyed. “But I left him with one of the most famous chefs in all of Faerun. I thought--I thought he’d do  _ well _ there. What’s happened?”

“Well,” Barry sighed. “I really do wanna be delicate about this, but I can’t. Turns out Sazed is an abusive dick.”

“What?” She was  _ horrified. _

“He’s… he’s trying to keep him from learning  _ magic, _ Lucretia. Because he’s too  _ stupid _ for it or something. He has a black  _ eye. _ I’m not sure he hasn’t--”

“Oh, no,” Lucretia moaned, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Oh, no, Taako…”

“He needs our  _ help, _ Lucretia. I can’t just go in there and kill the bastard, I… I think it would… I think it would hurt him, Luce. Real bad. His mind’s… ...not great right now. Trust me, I wanna lose it. I wanna lose it so bad. But I… ...can’t. I just came here to beg you to help me so we can get him out of there. I’m trying to tell him what magic to learn. He’s really confused all the time. Is there anything you think you can… ...um, is there anything you think you can do?”

“Maybe I’ll catch them at the next town. Ask for him… ...back? I don’t know what I’d do with him, but I could set him up in a nice hotel somewhere or… ...or something. What am I saying? I set him up because he has such a large personality and loved to travel… ...if this didn’t work, I… ...maybe I should just--”

“You’ll have to be careful,” warned Barry. “We don’t want Taako to get in trouble.”

“If--if I can’t get him back,” Lucretia continued with a lump in her throat. “Then I have… I have some items I’d like to get to him, at least. You say he’s… ...being convinced that he’s stupid. That he’s confused. I’d like to give him a journal.” She went and retrieved it from somewhere on the ship and handed it to him. “Please get that to him, please. And also, I know you’d like to hold onto this for sentimental sake, but um… ...in my travels recently to recover relics, I found… ...this.”

Barry was nearly bowled over by the sight of the Umbrastaff. It made him feel so much he nearly started crying right there, nearly fell to his knees, but he had to keep his composure. “Oh, my god. It’s… ...it’s hers. Where did you find it?”

“I think it’s best we don’t discuss it right now,” she said, sadly.

His stomach started sinking--not that he  _ had _ one--but she was right. For now, they had to focus. “Yeah, if… ...if he’s doing magic, then he needs it more than I do. And it can appear to be a regular umbrella so it won’t make that creep he’s with suspicious. O… ...okay. Okay, that’ll be good enough for now I think. But um, you know Lucretia, it’s not too late to--”

“It’s always too late, Barry,” she said sadly. “But maybe, if we save Taako, we can do something worthwhile.”

Barry sure hoped so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little short oops but also i can't stop thinking about where this story is going lately so JAZZHANDS. fun stuff, folks. thanks for all your support always.


	10. Chapter 9

When Taako woke next, the world was all grey. His mouth was dry with sleep, and it was easy to figure out that it was nighttime now, but he’d slept a _fuckton_ this time without meaning to, and he took his time waking up. Wrist didn’t hurt nearly as bad, though it was still a little sore, and _that_ was a relief. But they… ...they were still moving? At nighttime. Huh. They probably had a long way to go.

“I’m glad to see you’re finally awake, my elf,” Sazed’s voice came at him from the darkness. “This next place is a required stop of ours, but I would advise you not to take very long rests while we’re there.”

Not take very…? It took a moment for Taako to register what was being said at him, in a daze after so much sleep, but he propped himself up and (perhaps uselessly) massaged his injured wrist a little. “Why’zat? ‘Zit _dangerous_ ‘r somethin’?” Probably was a stupid question, but it was the only reason he could think to try to be so alert and on edge while they were getting everything prepared. He couldn’t think of anywhere that he was particularly _afraid_ to go, and maybe that was foolish of him too, but whatever.

Now that the elf was waking up a little, stretching out and yawning, he could see Sazed coming into view. He was all grey, since it was so dark, but it wasn’t difficult to make out a wary expression on his face. He was keeping his voice lower, too; Taako hadn’t noticed before, but now with the help of his body language it seemed _obvious,_ and he couldn’t help but feel slightly anxious and wonder what had his man--er, boss? with benefits?--feeling this way. “You could say that, yes. Speak a little softer, please. It’s best we not draw attention to ourselves until necessary.”

“Uh.” Now Taako’s ears were drooping. Should he _run?_ He lowered his voice down to a whisper best he could, eyes wide. “You got it, my dude. Where’re we… ...going? If--if you don’t mind sayin’ so.”

He watched as the wariness turned to very real _disgust._ “The _Underdark,_ ” Sazed spat like venom, like a curse. Taako nearly shied away from the tone, even though it wasn’t being applied to him, and was no less worried than before. “Unfortunately, I’ve managed to accrue quite the number of fans down here, so it’s worth a stop. Always hate it, though. So disappointing to go from entertaining the height of luxury to… ... _this._ ”

“Never heard of it,” Taako admitted.

“Count yourself _lucky,_ then.”

“It’s _that_ bad, huh?” Taako inquired, ears perked up now and listening for signs of danger. “If you hate it so much, why even bother?”

Sazed sighed, massaging his temples. “It’s as I _said,_ elf. It’s lucrative here.”

He knew he should’ve understood by now; he knew he shouldn’t have had anymore questions, and above all, he shouldn’t have voiced them. But he was curious and frightened, and he wanted to _know_ why he should feel that way, why something had Sazed so spooked and repulsed. So he sat up a little more, swallowed a little, and continued. “So what’s the problem, then? I don’t get it.” He was already regretting the words. “If they’re so willing to shell out gold to see you, then they must love you a lot down here, right? So we don’t need to be worried about going, ‘cuz… …’cuz they’ll admire us, right?”

Sazed laughed without joy. It… ...kind of sent shivers down Taako’s spine, if he was being honest. “Oh, Taako. Your naivete and view of the world is so charming, but so… ...limited. That’s precisely why for as long as we’re here, you _must_ do as I say. I don’t want you getting hurt. I don’t want these awful vermin down here to take advantage of your nature. ‘Love’ means something different to the folks who dwell here, you see. Something different indeed.”

What was love, anyway? Taako tried to think about how it could be warped to take advantage of him and came up empty. It was true, he knew by now, that it sometimes hurt; his back was still scraped up, he had bruises, and his wrist wasn’t quite back to normal. But he didn’t… ...understand, still, wasn’t really hip to the concepts Sazed was laying down at the moment, ‘cuz apparently the only people who’d ever taken advantage of Taako before hadn’t loved him _at all._ It didn’t make sense, that someone could love someone else and take advantage of them. It just wasn’t how it worked. “I’m… I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay, Sazed.”

His companion got _deadly_ serious, up close and personal wicked fast. “Taako, I know sometimes it’s in your nature to be contrary,” he said, and Taako already felt embarrassed, “but when it comes to this place, you must _trust me._ It’s not… ...how do I explain it to someone like you? It’s not like up there, do you understand? People are… ...violent here. Capable of trickery. They’ll look at you and see you as nothing more than a mark, and I can’t have my assistant falling prey to this place.” He cupped his hands around Taako’s chin, holding his face gently in his hands. “Can you at least take me at my word?”

“Sure thing, bub,” he murmured, staring into those eyes again. “No problem.”

“Very good,” Sazed cooed. “Now, while we’re still in relatively safe territory, I think you should have something to eat. You haven’t in _so long,_ after all.”

Oh, that’s right. Taako was hungry.

He was getting used to it by now.

“Oh, uh, mmkay,” he murmured, reluctantly rising from the bed. No energy to make himself anything fancy, so he buttered a piece of bread and called it good, snacking on it on the way back to the bed. Couldn’t imagine why he was so _tired,_ but there was still such an exhaustion he felt that wouldn’t quite leave him alone. Like usual, Sazed noticed.

“Still tired, hm? Not the best timing for it, I’m afraid.”

Ugh, _great_ . Now Sazed was going to think he was lazy or something. “I… I guess. Sorry. I uh, it’s been… ...a long few days. I guess.” Gods, he could’ve just curled up and gone back to _sleep_ if not for the man with him. “I’m just sort of, um… ...tuckered.”

“Was probably that dreadful waitress,” Sazed muttered, tone annoyed.

Taako didn’t want to think about it. “Maybe. I dunno, I… I haven’t been sleeping so good. Lately ‘n’... ...I’ll perk up. ‘S fine.”

“It most certainly is _not_ fine, Taako,” Sazed pressed. “I need you to be at peak condition for this show _especially._ ” He sighed, his voice becoming soft and soothing again. “I’m sorry; I’m always pushing you so hard. But it’s very important to me that you understand that woman was _wrong._ You know that, don’t you?”

“‘Course I know,” Taako scoffed. “Was pokin’ her nose into other people’s _business._ ‘Sides, she said stuff that wasn’t true about you.”

“She did, did she?”

“Yup. Told me if you were hurting me I should call the, uh… ...the military? Mil… ...militia. Yeah.”

“Really.” There was something dark about his tone now. Taako wanted to back away from it ASAP.

“Yeah,” he confirmed, then sputtered, “but--but listen. I know she was just bein’ _ridic._ Why would the military care about whether or not you _hurt_ me?” He laughed, partially out of nerves and the knowledge that he couldn’t just shut his stupid mouth, and partially because it was genuinely absurd to think about. Bunch of people in uniform barging in here just ‘cuz Sazed liked rough sex. “It’s just _stupid._ ”

“Indeed,” Sazed agreed. He sounded troubled, though. “You do know, though, that I _don’t_ hurt you.”

“Oh, only when it’s kinky,” Taako answered before he could think about what he was saying. It was risky, but it was easier that way, to not force his brain to connect up with the words, especially when they were talking about things like this.

“ _Taako!_ I’m scandalized.” The tone was playful, now. It helped him relax a little.

“Pfft,” he scoffed, waving this statement away. “C’mon now, Sazed. Y’know Taako don’t judge. If it floats your, uh, duck… ...that’s all I care about, yeah? We’re cool. Plus there’s stuff where you grab my wrist a _little_ too hard and _that’s_ not so hot, but like--”

The look on his partner’s face shut him up quick.

“I do _what?_ Really?” He was _surprised._ He was… ...guilty? He was _hurt._ “I had no idea. _That’s_ certainly not good, is it.”

“Uh,” Taako stammered. He never liked to see that look. Was good to know he didn’t _mean_ to hurt Taako, though. “No, I guess not, but--but like--don’t even sweat it! Especially if you didn’t know that’s what you were doing. You just get a little stressed sometimes, like um… ...like um, when stuff like the waitress happens or um, the Froot Loops thing. And you like, grab my wrist a little hard? It’s like, no bigs.”

But Sazed looked like it was _super_ bigs, actually. “Nonsense. Taako, if I’m _ever_ hurting you, that’s not good at all. I’d hate to know that I’m ever unintentionally inflicting harm on my very best assistant.”

“ _Best,_ ” Taako murmured. “I’m your _only_ assistant.”

“True enough. Let’s see that wrist, though, hm? Which one was it?”

This was… ...a super baffling development and Taako wasn’t sure what to do with it at first. Plenty of people throughout his life had hurt him; plenty of them had raised a hand to him in a variety of ways, and getting bruises and sprains wasn’t exactly news. Nobody really ever _cared_ if it hurt, not the people he helped in various caravans, not his… ...what was he? His Abuelito, his grandfather? No one had ever cared, but here Sazed was, _concerned_ that he hurt Taako. It made him feel just a little self-conscious, but he held out his wrist and let Sazed inspect it, wincing only a little.

“Oh, dear… ...and I did this when?”

“Um,” Taako tried to remember. “When we were leaving that, um… ...restaurant dealie? With that whack waitress. It’s _okay,_ though, I swear! You didn’t mean to hurt me. Case closed.”

“My, my,” Sazed clicked his tongue as he examined it, the bruised tint and swollen nature of the skin. “Well, you’re _right_ that I didn’t mean to, Taako. I’d never want to hurt you. Not like this. And you’re also right that now it’s a thing of the past. Fortunately, since you’re an elf, I think it will heal even faster than it might for someone like me. But I am _very_ sorry for ever marring your perfection in any way.”

“Water under a bridge, guy,” Taako dismissed. “Says a lot that you even care.”

“Of _course_ I do. I never want harm to befall you. I’m just glad you _believe_ me after something like that.”

“Psh.” What would he even do? _Not_ believe Sazed? Yeah, right. “‘S not even worth talkin’ about anymore, to be honest.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Sazed confirmed. “As usual.”

“Oh, _you."_

With that playful dismissal out of the way, the conversation was dead as disco. Some part of Taako wished that meant that he’d be able to kick back and snooze ‘til they got to Underdark proper, but he knew that wasn’t how it’d go. “So um, since we’re still on our way and everything, ‘zit cool with you if I read?”

Sazed _did_ worry that it would be too much for Taako to handle, especially if he was fatigued, but right now there wasn’t much else to do. He was allowed to read the spellbook again, taking time to rediscover where the cantrips were (near the front of the book, which should’ve been obvious he guessed), only this time Sazed was attentive and interested. He allowed Taako to read to him, even as Taako had to squint or mispronounced words occasionally, and it made it easier to stay away from the static and any kind of thought.

“So you want to learn ‘prestidigitation,’ hm?” Sazed was wrapped around him, cuddling him and making him warm as the caravan plunged on through apparent darkness. It was _cozy,_ and it made Taako feel significantly better just to have someone close to him, someone actively asking him about magic.

“Yeah,” Taako mumbled, trying not to feel too worn out. “That one for sure. Maybe the thauma… ...thaumaturgy, too? But definitely that one.”

“It seems very complex, doesn’t it,” Sazed noted. “You certainly are more than welcome to try, though. Perhaps this one is basic enough that even someone such as yourself could learn it with ease.”

“Big ol’ name,” Taako observed. “Pres… ...pres… ...prestidigitation. I bet I could, though.”

Wilting slightly under Sazed’s gaze, he became aware of how overly optimistic he sounded, how stupid and silly. “Uh, I mean, maybe. Couldn’t hurt to try, right?”

“It might give us something to do. Don’t you have a wand?”

Taako blinked. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do. I haven’t used it since I got here. Dunno where I even got it from, but maybe I could find it…”

Once more, this required moving from the bed. Once more, Taako was so fuckin’ _spent_ that he wished it didn’t, but he got up and looked around for the damn thing until he found it buried under some clothes. When he came back, Sazed was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking attentive.

“All right, then,” he urged. “Let’s see what you can do!”

This was… ...definitely a new side of Sazed. Taako felt _tremendously_ nervous about it. “Um,” he started, grip already tight and shaky on the wand in his hands. “Okay, so… ...so the book says… ...I can like… ….um, er… ...do all this different harmless sensory stuff. When I _first_ read about it, I uh, wanted to do flavor stuff, natch. Take you to, like, flavortown. Um, but… ...it’s… ...so dark? Maybe I could, um… ...make a light… ...kind of… ...guy.”

“I’d like to see it,” Sazed let him know.

“Fuck,” Taako muttered. “Okay.”

When Sazed laughed this time, it was a little more joyous, but Taako _jumped._ “Taako, there’s no need to be so _nervous._ I’m not expecting too much of you; if you can’t manage this, it’s _okay._ This is just for us, hm? Just for fun.”

This didn’t make Taako feel any better, and he cleared his throat. “U-Uh, yeah, my man. Okay, um. So… ...hocus… ...pocus or whatever?”

He waved the wand. Nothing happened.

“Um, okay,” he tried after a second, still trembling something awful. “Wand, I like, really would like a light or something, puh-lease.”

Nothing. Sazed was waiting.

“Hey, wand? Pres… ...presti… ...presto? Hello?” He waved it, aimlessly. “It’s me, Taako?”

And then, so suddenly, it happened: a small fire on the edge of his wand. Small enough to be extinguishable and not anything _dangerous,_ obvi, but it was there. He got visibly _excited_ and felt a strange sort of warmth inside, a comfort maybe, like maybe this was _supposed_ to happen, like maybe he’d done it before, and he whispered in awe of it as he waved the stick around, watching as it lit up little areas of the room. “Holy shit. Holy _shit._ Sazed, are you _seeing_ this? What the _fuck._ ”

There was no response from Sazed.

It made Taako nervous, nervous enough that he waved his wand to get a little bit of a better look at his face. It was… ...so surprised? Like, for realsies actually surprised that Taako could pull something like this off, and for a minute, he was so _proud_ of himself. “Sazed, look,” he crowed. “I’m _doing_ it, holy shit. I’m actually _doing_ it--I can’t believe I’m _doing_ it, it feels so _amazing,_ I--I--”

He was crying? Why was he crying?

No, he was _sobbing._

He was _sobbing_ and his knees buckled before he could tell them not to, fire extinguishing right quick. Sazed was right by him to attend to him and see what was wrong, and static filled every inch of him up, made him almost dizzy and sick and made the entire world… ...not… ...right. Something wasn’t right about the world. He felt far, far away from himself suddenly and tried to get back because Sazed was saying his name urgently.

“Taako. _Taako._ Oh, it’s the loops again. This won’t do at all.”

He didn’t feel in control of himself when he buried his head into Sazed’s chest and _bawled_ unabashedly; he didn’t understand why he was doing it, and he didn’t even know what he was saying. To Sazed’s credit, he didn’t shove him off this time or act displeased or unpleasant, he just… ...held him. Held him while he sobbed and sobbed until there was nothing left, until he was more exhausted than he had even been before and his head was _throbbing_ and--and something _hurt_ about him, something deep inside.

“Shh… There, there. It’s all right, Taako. Perhaps that’s enough of the magic from now on, hm? It seems it was just a bit too much.”

That hurt more than _anything._

“I don’t _understand,_ ” Taako whispered.

“I know. I know, Taako. It’s okay. You don’t have to think, okay? I’ll do the thinking for the both of us. How about that?”

Taako liked the sound of that.

When Sazed put the book up, he hoped he’d never have to open it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep hyperfocusing on this thing lately. @_@ enjoy <3 i love you all.


	11. Chapter 10

Taako was allowed another nap after… ...what was it? What had happened? His “sobbing outburst.” It had to be quick before they technically reached the Underdark, but even Sazed could see how exhausted it made Taako to sob like that, and how unlike him it was. He was relieved as Sazed cuddled up against him when the elf _begged_ him not to go, please, and when he got to fall asleep in his protective arms.

He was less relieved when Sazed stirred him. “My love,” he whispered in Taako’s ear as he whimpered, “we’re here.”

 _Oh._ Taako immediately sat upright, tense and cautious. His ears perked up something awful. “Seems like it’s been night too long,” he observed, keeping his voice quiet. “What’s up with that?” He meant it almost as a goof… ...mm. Maybe part goof, part genuine inquiry. Either way, Sazed didn’t seem to appreciate it at all.

“It’s the _Underdark,_ Taako,” Sazed sighed. “It’s going to be very dark for a while.”

“I know, I was just kinda--”

“Not the time.”

“Okay. What do we… ...um, do now?” He watched Sazed’s face carefully, waiting for any indication that he should run. He knew he wasn’t going to; he knew that wasn’t what Sazed wanted, but he was so used to that being the instinct at the first sign of trouble. He was poised and ready to go, ready to get the hell out of Dodge as soon as he possibly could.

Sazed had something different in mind. “Taako,” he began, “I really do hate to do this to you--”

He already felt the world slipping out from under him. This wasn’t great, huh?

“--but someone needs to fetch ingredients for our next meal. With the standards down here, these people will be impressed with _anything,_ so we’re going to make a fairly simple dish this time. Nothing like in Goldcliff. It shouldn’t be hard to find the ingredients. The matter is making it to the marketplace. I’ve drawn a map for you, and thankfully you have dark vision, so that part shouldn’t be so difficult. But be… ...careful, okay? Be wary. Remember what I’ve told you.”

Oh. Well, this sucked eggs and was pretty much terrifying. “Don’t you uh,” he tried, “don’t you need your breakfast?”

“The least I can do is make my own this morning,” he reassured Taako without really reassuring him at all. “ _Especially_ after all you went through earlier. You don’t even worry about that, okay?”

“But Sazed,” he tried, “what if I can’t _do_ it?” His voice cracked as he thought of the Froot Loops again, horribly ashamed and frightened.

“Taako, listen to me,” Sazed commanded, and Taako did as he looked him right in the eyes and gave him an _incredibly_ passionate kiss. Taako had no time to even process what it made him feel, dazed in more than one way. “You _can_ do this. You will be absolutely fine. I _promise._ ”

He was still kind of breathless after the kiss. “But why… ...why aren’t…” He shook his head a little, trying to clear it. “Why aren’t you going with me?”

“You should be proud,” Sazed assured him, not at all answering the question. “I finally feel as though I can trust you with these errands alone. Is this not what you _do_ as my assistant? Now run along, all right? And be sure to obtain some glow sticks.”

Glow sticks? He’d never heard of ‘em.

But when Sazed practically rushed him out the door and left him with a piece of paper, the message was clear. It was time for Taako to get going. Before he even took a look around him, he noticed that there was _music_ thumping rhythmically throughout the place. It was faint, but it was there and it was odd. Under different circumstances, Taako could totally get _down_ to something like this for sure. But he was too beside himself with nerves. The second thing he noticed was that it was… ...goddamn _dark._

Grey at intervals, and then--

\--ah, okay. So _that’s_ what a glow stick was. Part of the culture down here, Taako guessed? Weird. He could see them as these _bright_ neon colors against the grey, and he kinda… ...liked it if he were being honest. There were bright green ones, bright yellow ones, bright red ‘n’ blue ones, but his _favorite_ was the almost eye-blinding neon hot pink. It was difficult to think of it as being as dangerous as Sazed said with these wicked cool lights everywhere, and they were so pretty. Taako held the map up and watched as it bathed in pink neon light and _loved_ it, but he had to focus. He had to find the marketplace.

As he drew closer to the marketplace, the music got louder. It really wasn’t _so bad_ so far, honestly. When he bumped into someone, he nearly leaped out of his skin. “You from out of town?” They trilled in the darkness.

“Yeah, kinda,” he admitted nervously. “I’m here for, uh, Sizzle it Up with Sazed? I’m his assistant.”

“Oh, we just _love_ that show,” another voice trilled, and he realized these two elves were at least identical twins. “Don’t we, Edward?”

“We certainly do, Lydia.”

“But our poor brother Keats is too sick to go this year, isn’t he? A shame.”

Taako wanted to say _something,_ anything, but the… ...look of them? The fact that they were--it was right on the tip of his brain, he--he was overcome with static and _fell_ to the floor and hit his head something awful. He was okay, though. “‘m’okay, sorry, that happens sometimes. I um… I’m… ...okay.”

He leaned over and puked out the one piece of bread he’d had, backing up. “Uh. What… I’m sorry, what were you saying… ...about your brother? Um, I’m sure I can ask Sazed to give a special shoutout to him or something if you want.” There was no harm in that, right? Sure, Sazed didn’t seem to like it here, but these people seemed okay.

“You’d do that, really? How _sweet._ ” Edward was smiling at him widely, not any cause for alarm that Taako could see. “But are you… ...are you _okay?_ That was _quite_ the fall there.”

“Perhaps he’s sick too, Edward.”

“I was thinking the same thing, Lydia.”

God, the way they--looked like each other, the way they--

\--he was overcome with so much static and his head _hurt._ “I’m sorry, no, it’s not… ...sick, it’s just… I have… ...problems with my… ...brain.” It took all of his energy to say it. “Can’t think so good, gets… ...staticky up here when I…. ...ngh. I… I’m sorry, this sucks, but can you go away? It’s something about you guys. Not like, racist… ...just something… I um… ...I’m so sorry.”

He wasn’t even looking at them anymore.

“Rude,” said Lydia.

“Rude _and_ racist,” said Edward. “It’s a shame Sazed associates with someone like you.”

He didn’t care, though, because as they went away, the feeling faded. He took a moment to relax and breathe before shakily getting to his knees and making his way to the marketplace, finally, which was not only surrounded by those glow sticks Taako _adored,_ but had a bunch of them lighting up the inside, as well as… ...other weird lights. Even the floor lit up and Taako dug it _entirely._ He couldn’t imagine what there was to be so worried about. He entered the marketplace and… ...suddenly realized what was perfect to cook for these people. It was a little more complex than the dessert recipe that Sazed wanted to have him do, but it struck him so suddenly: _macarons._

These surroundings were all about color, about partying even in the marketplace. People went about their day-to-day pretty much the same, but they would bob to the beat, and it was clearly important to their culture. No matter how… ...um, violent Sazed claimed they were. So he set about finding what he needed, and most of what he _really_ needed was probably back at the caravan anyway. He even danced a little to the music as he approached the counter.

He paid for it without a hitch and felt giddy, because there were _no Froot Loops incidents._ He checked, double-checked, _triple-checked_ his bag and they weren’t there. His smile was wide and his stride was confident and then--then--

\--then the figure in the red robe appeared again.

“Um,” he said.

“Taako, did you learn any cantrips yet?”

“Um, I did, I learned presto-whatever, um… But um… ...it made me… cry? So Sazed said it’s too much of a strain on me and I’m not doing magic anymore, sorry.”

For a moment the figure looked _angry,_ but he calmed when he noticed Taako was on edge about it. “Taako, you have to listen to me, okay? Magic is _very important._ I’m sure that made you cry because… ...because…” His voice cracked, as though _he_ were sad, which Taako didn’t really get at all. “...because it reminded you of something. But you _can’t_ give up. If that made you cry, try something else. I’ve left some suggestions for you.”

Now he was almost _defensive._ “Why do you _care_ anyway? You don’t _know_ me. I don’t _know_ you. Why do I have to learn _magic?_ ”

“Because it’s _part_ of you, Taako. Maybe start thinking about using it in ways you would feel comfortable with. Speaking of, I um…" ...and suddenly Taako realized he had things in his hands. A book and… ...and an umbrella? The static was _awful_ looking at it. “I have some things for you. They’re from me and a friend. Please, take them with you. You can cast spells with the umbrella, but _don’t let him know._ ”

The umbrella was filling him with _so much static,_ he grimaced and whimpered something he didn’t understand.

“You remember her name?”

“What?” Taako felt incredibly disoriented just then. “What was I saying?”

“Lup. You--you remembered her name, oh my _god._ Taako, it’s going to be okay. I know it’s so confusing for you right now, and probably very scary for you. I know. But it’s going to be okay.”

 _Static static static static_ his eyes went so unfocused.

“Taako, buddy,” said the figure, “is anyone home?”

And then he _gasped_ like he was panicked, and grabbed the umbrella, and as soon as he did, it felt… ...better. It felt like it wanted to be with him. It felt to him like the _most important thing in the entire world_ and that he’d protect it with his entire life. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, but the figure didn’t judge him for that. “I’ll keep your shitty umbrella,” he promised the figure, still crying. “Makes me look like a clown, probably. A dumb clown. Like Mr. Bing Bong, a bad drunk clown--we--we used to--urgh.”

“It’s okay, buddy. Please, keep it. Please tell him you got it at the marketplace or something. Please tell him it’s a regular umbrella, okay? But do spells with it, okay? Find… ...find what makes magic work for you and you do it, Taako. And don’t stop, okay? The journal… ...maybe your thoughts’ll be less scrambled if you can write ‘em down. Don’t show him, though. It’s not his. It’s for _you,_ Taako. Okay?”

“Okay,” Taako agreed, head still spinning with static but feeling the comfort of the umbrella. “Uh, thanks for… ...all this stuff, I guess.”

“You’re so loved, Taako,” he said.

His umbrella made him feel like that. It was weird.

“I have fans, huh?”

“The biggest fans of all,” the figure in the red robe said. “Be safe. We’re gonna get you out of there. It doesn’t have to make sense right now. Just know we love you.”

“I love you too,” said Taako, and was surprised to find he meant it for some reason.

“We know,” the figure said warmly.

And then it disappeared.

On the way back, Taako felt _considerably_ at ease with the umbrella in his hand, as though it were absolutely supposed to be there and never part from him, no matter _what._ The pain in his wrist was barely noticeable anymore as he held it above his head. He folded it up and entered the caravan again and Sazed _raced_ into his arms to kiss him.

“Oh, I do hope it wasn’t too _terribly_ awful for you out there,” Sazed cooed, showering him with kisses.  
  
Taako giggled. “No, not at all, my guy! In fact, I um, kinda liked it? Ran into some people who thought I was racist--”

“Oh, that’s _always_ the card they play down here--”

“--but I wasn’t, it was just… ...the static again. But um, other than that it went super great. I really dig this whole culture’s aesthetic, and I… ...like, I know you wanted to make them some cake or something. But I think macarons suit them so much better? It’s colorful like those glow sticks. I totally got some, by the way. I think I’m gonna make a _necklace_ out of ‘em.”

Sazed blinked. “So you really _did_ have a good time?”

“Sure,” Taako said nonchalantly. “Oh, and if you could give a shoutout to these people’s brother, Keats, they like, wanted to make the show but they can’t ‘cuz he’s supes sick.”

“All right, then,” Sazed said as though dumbfounded, as though he couldn’t believe Taako hadn’t been violently assaulted or murdered. “Of course we can make macarons. That should be no problem at all. I’m assuming you can help me make some since this is something you’ve thought of yourself.”

“‘ _course_ I can,” Taako reassured him. “Macarons are like, really complex, but it’s a piece of _cake_ for someone like me! Why, Lup and I used t--”

He froze. The static again.

Thankfully, Sazed wasn’t paying attention. “Oh, and what’s this? A red umbrella?”

“Uh, yeah,” Taako lied easily and efficiently, determined to keep his hands on that thing. “I dunno, I found it in the marketplace. I guess when they go above ground they wanna be prepared. Interesting, right?”

“Strange,” Sazed remarked. “I’ll never understand these people. Nonetheless, I am impressed with you today, elf. You really have handled yourself well. As such, I will make my own dinner. You may spend your time in your room doing whatever you wish.”

Taako was _thrilled_ to hear that. He went back into his bedroom with the umbrella and decided reading just wasn’t his style. “Y’know what we’re gonna do, umbrella? We’re gonna try to turn stuff into other stuff. Think you can do it?”

He just felt a warmth, a longing, a knowledge that _he could._

“Okay. I have a handful of almonds. Can you… ...make ‘em levitate?”

Obediently, the umbrella did.

“Can you… ...kinda swirl ‘em around me all badass?”

Yup, could totes do that.

“Can you turn ‘em into walnuts?”

Yup.

“I think I have an idea,” he told the umbrella gleefully. “Don’t tell Sazed, it’s a surprise. But I think I should start doing _food_ magic. Onstage. I think it’d be so neat. Not _this_ show, but the next one. I’ll practice ‘n’ it’ll be _so good,_ umbrella. Man, you’re way better than my other wand was. But Sazed can’t know, or he’ll never let me keep you, okay? We have to be careful.”

He wrote in the journal before he slept with a pink pen he'd bought at the market.

 _"I'm glad my new fans are so badass._  
_This journal locks._  
_I think I'm supposed to keep it from Sazed. I think I'd like to, 'cuz I kinda wanna talk about the umbrella they gave me._  
_It knows exactly what I want and I know how to do it, 'cuz it's... there? I dunno._

 _Static happens sometimes. Maybe I'll keep track of why? Sameface elves. Ugh. Umbrella._  
  
_I know I'm doing something terrible._  
_I know if I'm caught, it's gonna be bad._  
_But maybe Sazed won't mind_  
_when he sees the next show._  
  
_Maybe he'll love it, even._  
  
_Taako out."_

It was stupid, but he fell asleep hugging the umbrella.

It felt more comforting than anything  _ever_  had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LITERALLY. CAN'T STOP. WRITING. THIS THING. THANKS. BYE


	12. Chapter 11

Making macarons was  _ so much fun. _

Of course, part of that could have been the pleasant champagne buzz he’d been allowed to achieve this morning. Since he was so  _ excited _ to have come up with a dish to make and serve all on his own, he got to ask Sazed for the spirit to serve up some particularly delicious champagne waffles and syrup. Trouble was that the recipe called for only a  _ little _ bit of champagne and not nearly enough to polish off a bottle, and wasting it would’ve been… ...like, a total waste. Yeah.

So Sazed allowed the making of mimosas, and though he insisted on remaining alert for the later show, he told Taako there was no harm in getting a little pleasantly tipsy if he wanted to, as long as it didn’t interfere with his abilities in the kitchen. It didn’t seem to; it was like muscle memory to Taako, something he never really had to think too much about and just  _ did, _ like breathing. So he was like, a few glasses deep, and that was probably  _ enough _ ‘cuz he didn’t want to get  _ drunk _ when they had so much important stuff to do. Sazed made it clear pretty much immediately that they weren’t even gonna waste time with rehearsals for this one, ‘cuz they pretty much had one job to do and then did it and got out as quick as possible, so he had to whip up a  _ lot _ of macarons in an absurd amount of time. It wasn’t a good day to get drunk.

But just a little pleasantly warm, though? Yeah, sure.

“Astonishing,” Sazed admired Taako, watching over him like always. “Just astounding. Macarons are so incredibly difficult to make for most  _ sober _ people, but you make it look nearly effortless. You’re so  _ talented, _ you know.”

He buried his face in Taako’s neck. “ _ Stoppit, _ ” he slurred slightly in surprise.

“What,” Sazed asked in such a sexy voice Taako nearly couldn’t concentrate.  _ Ugh.  _ “ _ This? _ ”

“You’re being a  _ flirt _ again, ‘n’ it’s no fair,” Taako pouted. “I gotta focus. But you’re making me  _ horny. _ ”

Sazed laughed and it was--it was Taako’s favorite kind, back again. “All right, okay. I’m sorry, Taako. I’ll leave you to it. But your instincts are good; there’s plenty of cause to break out the champagne.”

Taako felt so  _ giddy _ at that, so giddy and  _ warm _ and  _ nice _ . See? Sazed was so supportive after  _ all, _ and he relished in it as he flounced about trying to get ingredients and plan out all the different flavors. “Yeah,” he trilled as he located the almond flour, “because I planned this one all on my  _ own! _ Taako’s got his  _ own _ flair, huh?”

Sazed chuckled, catching him lightly before he could make it anywhere else and setting the flour down, kissing him so soft and gentle it made Taako give out a little pleasantly surprised  _ “ooohhh _ ” sound in pleasure. “There is that, yes, my buzzed and busy bee,” he whispered in the elf’s ear, nearly giving him  _ goosepimples. _ “But there’s something  _ else, _ too. Something  _ very _ special indeed.”

“Buzzed and busy bee,” Taako cackled. Sazed was  _ hilarious. _ “‘S me all right. Wait, hold on, what? What’re you  _ hiding _ from me?” He accused, though his tone was still playful as he looked up at Sazed’s gorgeous and enigmatic face.

“If you have one more glass,” Sazed promised, “you’ll find out. But  _ I  _ have to get it, okay? And no peeking.”

Taako  _ gasped. _ He was really trying to stay relatively sober for today, or he suspected that his partner might be displeased, but… ...if Sazed was  _ asking _ him to have another glass, then he couldn’t be blamed. Obediently, he didn’t look as Sazed released him and went to fetch him another glass, and he went to sip it just like all the other ones before something small went  _ clink _ in the glass.

“Um, Sazed,” he tried, just free of inhibitions  _ enough _ not to care that he was saying it. “Sazed, there’s something  _ different _ about this glass.”

“Is there? Hmm. I wonder.”

Taako studied him carefully, scrutinizing his face, and he couldn’t come up with anything. “ _ You’re _ being sus as fuck,” he declared. “I’m gonna see what’s up with  _ this _ thing.” He held the glass up a little, sipping it a little more, and when the mysterious thing went  _ clink _ against the glass, he sipped enough just to get it out and see what it was, and he--

“Holy shit.”

He had no words.

It was the dopest shit he’d ever been given in his  _ entire life. _ Ordinarily something he’d have to fashion out of scraps, trash, glass. It was hard to tell what the color of it was in the darkness, but candlelight helped him see just enough of a glint to tell it was some fancyass gemstone for sure on the end. It was… ...it was a  _ ring, _ and okay, yeah. Taako was a moron and a half for defsies, but he wasn’t so thick enough that he didn’t know what  _ this _ was all about, blinking out at Sazed in shock.

“Do you like it? I hope you understand what I’m trying to--”

“Yeah, no,” Taako murmured, dazed as anything. “This is crystal clear, guy. It’s… ...it’s um, it’s beautiful. I just didn’t think that--I just sort of never thought--like, that--uh. Hold on. Brain’s catching up to this current situation.”

Sazed laughed like music again, and Taako’s heart fluttered. “Take all the time you need. I know it… ...seems sudden, given the amount of time that we’ve known each other and been performing. You must understand me; I’ve never felt the desire to… ...make this particular proposal. With anyone else.  _ To  _ anyone else. But, well…”

He slipped the ring so gently on Taako’s finger and Taako  _ let _ him, unable to formulate a response. 

“...you are so  _ unique, _ my darling. So enchanting; so dazzling. I know this is not the life to which you’ve been accustomed, but you’ve been trying to adapt to it. And I know… ...I know this is difficult for you, but you persevere. I suppose what I’m saying is… ...given the vows we’ve already  _ made _ to one another, to be exclusive…”

He took Taako’s hand in his, delicately.

“...isn’t it obvious that we belong together? No one else will have you, and I don’t  _ want _ anyone else. Taako, would you do me the honor of being my--”

“ _ Yes, _ ” Taako blurted out before he could think about it. “I--I mean, I can’t believe I’m  _ saying _ this, uh. But holy fuck, yeah. I’m lucky just to  _ have _ someone like you, with the way I am and everything. Of  _ course _ I wanna marry someone as amazing as you, in like, virtually every way.” He finished the champagne and then  _ kissed _ him, kissed him  _ hard, _ kissed him a little sloppier than he meant to, with all the things in that kiss that he couldn’t find the words to say. “Plus,” he winked, tone playful, “I’ll be able to coast on your money for the rest of my  _ life. _ ”

“You certainly will,” Sazed confirmed, tone warm. “I’m  _ so _ glad you feel this way. You’ve made me the happiest man in all of Faerun today, I think.”

“Me, too,” Taako intoned sincerely, gushing and staring into his eyes. “This is better’n I thought I’d  _ ever _ get in my entire life.”

“I know. Isn’t it just a  _ dream? _ ”

“I just wish I had… ...someone… ...close. To see. To be here.”

“You have me,” Sazed reminded him, kissing him softly again.

He didn’t dare mention that wasn’t what he meant.

(He didn’t know what he meant, anyway.)

The rest of the day was spent getting things ready for the show. The macarons and the flavors were all picked out and ready; the wardrobe was a white that would glow against blacklight in a very specific way; even the  _ makeup _ would glow, and he was outfitted with a  _ shitton _ of those glow sticks but as jewelry, which was basically the raddest. He babbled to  _ this _ makeup artist about his recent engagement; the man  _ oohed _ and  _ aww’d _ over his ring and wished them congratulations.

Sazed only gave them both a dirty glance.

Didn’t matter, though, ‘cuz by the end even Taako’s  _ nails _ were teal and neon against the darkness. He did feel a little more anxiety than usual at the thought of having made the dish of the night, but when he got out there, it didn’t matter. He  _ still _ didn’t understand what the big fuss was about the Underdark; no one had been overly violent to him specifically, and everyone seemed  _ thrilled _ to see Sazed (and his new lovely assistant, natch) onstage.

“This show,” Taako risked, “goes out to our main man Keats! He couldn’t make it today, but his brother ‘n’ sister said he like,  _ wicked _ wanted to. Put your  _ hands _ up, y’all!”

Sazed stared at him like he’d done something  _ awful, _ even though the crowd went absolutely  _ buckwild _ for that shit. Where sometimes this might push Taako into the realm of detaching from the surroundings, his body, and whatever was going on, this time he felt a  _ rush. _ Some weird adrenaline overtook him, something ecstatic and free and  _ definitely _ not allowed, and he held his hand out with pride, shouting before he could think about the words. “That’s right, ‘n’  _ check this shit out. _ We’re getting  _ married!! _ ”

The crowd  _ lost _ it.

Taako smiled with teeth so white even Fantasy Crest would be put to shame, feeling something almost like mania at the way he could look out at this crowd literally aglow to see them both, and he gave a wave before turning to grin over at Sazed and getting hit with… ...flustered embarrassment? No, something worse. He was  _ displeased. _ But he was trying not to share it with the crowd, so rather than dispel the rumors, he made some jokes about having Taako all to  _ himself _ now. As he did it, he grasped his hand just a little too tightly. Made some kind of quip about how now it was just the two of them, and that was how it would  _ always _ be.

There was something so intense about the way he said it.

Taako didn’t know whether to run into his arms or run  _ away. _

And then, as soon as that frightening moment had come, it passed. The macarons were a hit; Sazed wanted to get out of the Underdark as soon as possible. They were all up and ready to go when a small dark elf approached them with a poster, eyes wide and eager.

“I liked your macarons,” she informed Sazed, beaming.

He wouldn’t give her the time of day.

“Can you sign my poster?”

It was evident that Sazed was annoyed and  _ disgusted _ with this kid, and he wouldn’t even look at her. He tried to pull Taako along, but it was such a reasonable request? This kid, he decided,  _ idolized the fuck _ out of Sazed. His face was  _ radiating _ on the poster and he looked so happy, so suave, so everything the elf ever enjoyed about him, and… ...and this little girl, for whatever reason? She  _ deserved _ to feel like he cared about  _ her,  _ too.

“Sure thing, pumpkin,” he agreed. Sazed arched an eyebrow as Taako pulled out a glow-in-the-dark pink pen. “Who do I make this out to, hm?”

“Oh,” she was  _ bursting _ with joy. “Ren, please.”

“Ah,” he said, scrawling with the pen and ignoring the look of the man next to him, “Little Ren. That’s just  _ wonderful. _ Here you go! I know it’s not Sazed’s autograph, but his hands are tired.”

Ren  _ gasped, _ her eyes wide as saucers. “It’s okay, I--I love it. Thank you!”

“You’re  _ very welcome, _ ” Taako let her know. It was worth the sour glare that Sazed delivered him the rest of the evening, the complaining that their show went a little long, the insistence that he shouldn’t go off-script and had fucked an already less-than-promising show up with his improv. These things went in one ear, out the other, and didn’t matter.

Even when Sazed insisted that they celebrate in ways he didn’t want, it didn’t matter.

He was loved here. He was happy here.

It was, he decided, more than enough.

Later he’d have to tell his journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, i feel like this chapter was too short, but like... also, something in this chapter did not at all go how i was intending it to go. LMAO. i won't tell you what it was. um, thank you for all your support. <3 i'm going out of town tomorrow, so i might be able to get one more chapter up, but i might not. EITHER WAY, SEE YOU ALL SOON.


	13. Chapter 12, pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucretia has a secret. Taako has one, too. Sazed gets jealous.

Lucretia had a secret.

This statement, in and of itself, should have been obvious. In the past little while, which had been such a blur to begin with, full of sending the people she loved more than anything out into the universe to start new and better lives without her, she’d already accrued so many. But where her other secrets involved throwing her own journals away, this secret involved giving one away… ...with a purpose.

Enchantment wasn’t her specialty; she did it with the heart of someone specializing in abjuration, anyway. This was for _protection,_ at this point. She knew it by now. So when she gave the journal to Barry, she waited for another book of hers to start filling with Taako’s words. And it did.

At first, she was thrilled that he was at _least_ using the journal, as long as he was keeping it hidden. It was so important for him to document his thoughts anyway, to clear the mess in his mind--a mess that was partially _her_ fault--and to feel that he had a safe space to do so. It was _so_ beyond imperative, but the most recent update troubled her beyond belief.

 _“Well, journal, guess I can finally spill the beans, huh?”_ She tensed reading it but smiled at the way she watched his handwriting in a bright pink pen so befitting of him. It was so ridiculous and so extra and she had such love for him, even now.

The love turned to dread, as it sometimes did, when she read the next line.

 _“Sazed and I are getting_ **_MARRIED!!_ ** ” She almost slammed the book _shut_ in shock and anger, but she kept reading, although she was shaking and teary and begging Barry to come back soon so that they could talk about this, _please._ “ _Pretty wild, huh? Never thought a street urchin like me--_ ” --he was one of their world’s top scientists and arcanists, not to mention cooks, and this _hurt_ \-- “ _\--would ever be so lucky! I really am_ **_SO_ ** _lucky to have Sazed. We have one last show before our marriage an’ honeymoon and I--I think it’s gonna be worth it. I’m gonna_ make _it worth it. Don’t tell Sazed, though. I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve._

 _It’s at Glamour Springs--_ ” She tried very hard to commit this to memory. _“--and I’m gonna knock everybody’s_ socks _off. It’s gonna be totes rad. Umbrella’s cooperating and everything._ _Boy, am I lucky for my fans. Anyway, I gotta go practice a little before Sazed wakes up ‘n’ I gotta get to makin’ him breakfast. Peace out.”_

She felt sick. She felt shaky. She could barely concentrate on anything. She… ...she knew only one thing.

She _had_ to be at that next show in Glamour Springs.

She simply _had_ to be. Maybe there was something she could do.

Before it was too late.

* * *

 

 

Taako had secrets, too.

This was also, like, pretty fuckin’ _obvious_ if you thought about it. His life lately had been nothing _but_ secrets, from the umbrella to the way it made him feel so warm and comforted and _listened_ to him, from the guy in the Red Robe to his strange gifts. There were so many things, right now, that he couldn’t tell Sazed.

Not yet.

His hope was that once he saw what Taako could do with _food and magic together,_ he’d be proud. It’d be so glorious and such a good send off and surprise that Sazed would _sweep_ him off his feet, unable to contain himself before kissing him in front of the crowd of Glamour Springs. Apparently, they really _really_ loved Sazed there, even though they were a smaller town. So it stood to reason that they’d love _him,_ too, and so that’s what he imagined as he quietly asked his umbrella to turn water into wine and back again. The dish was going to be a thirty clove garlic chicken with an elderberry garnish, but he could dazzle ‘em before they got there.

His other secret was that, when people weren’t around, he found himself talking to the umbrella almost as much as the journal he’d been given, letting it know thoughts and feelings during the brief moments he was alone or sent out on the town. He babbled to it as he went shopping, holding it up even though it wasn’t raining, and though Sazed quirked an eyebrow at it, he didn’t seem to mind much. Other people stared, obviously, because something was wrong with him and people didn’t talk to umbrellas, didn’t feel like they were _loved or understood_ by them. But it didn’t matter.

“Oh, Sazed is just going to be so surprised, Umbrella,” Taako chirruped. “He might even be _proud_ of me!”

The umbrella didn’t respond. It never did.

It was just a regular ol’ magical umbrella, right?

(He still liked to think that maybe it was proud of him, too.)

 

* * *

 

Sazed had the deadliest secret of all, unfortunately.

Of course Taako thought himself _clever_ for once; that show in the Underdark where he charmed easily impressed _drow_ had given him too much confidence, but because of that, he was being careless. Which wasn’t that surprising, honestly, given his usual mental acuity (or lack thereof). Sazed had managed to spy on him, peeking at him from a crack in the door but being easily hidden by it. He watched as Taako--the savant, the _idiot,_ the _no one_ managed magical feats that even the _best_ transmutation wizards struggled with--and he was shocked. In awe. Amazed, even.

And then he was furious.

Because not _only_ was Taako harboring a magical _weapon_ without his say so, but he was using it to practice magic to _upstage Sazed._ Surely if anyone saw _this_ onstage in Glamour Springs they’d be so _taken_ with it, something that he _couldn’t do,_ and humans always had to study wizardry for so many years and it always took up _so much of their lifespan_ which wasn’t fair. Even if he tried, he’d be old and grey by the time he learned, and old hat at _best._

So he was shaking with anger, but he had a plan for ending this nonsense at all. Getting back to normal and on track, before the wedding. He needn’t worry.  Soon this would be nothing more than a bad dream.

Taako, as usual, suspected nothing.

What a fool he was, for someone so beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is *really* short, but it's honestly just setting the stage for what's about to happen next. um, brace yourselves, folks. there's a storm comin'. thank you so much to everyone who is so enthusiastic about this fic. <3 i love you all.


	14. Chapter 12, pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako gets ready. Lucretia gets tickets. Lup gets even.

On the day of their last show before the wedding, both of them seemed happy.

Taako got up _way_ too early on only two or so scant hours of meditation, no real sleep at all, to practice with the red umbrella. It was funny--normally he’d be so _nervous,_ even when he knew certain recipes or tricks like the back of his hand, but this time there were hardly any nerves at all. He whispered instructions with ease and the umbrella complied with them, easy as pie, and he felt more _excitement_ than anything else. This time, rather than dread the eyes on him, he was thrilled at the thought of how _surprised_ they’d be, how in awe.

His happiness must’ve been mighty obvious by the time he put the umbrella away, rehearsed the clever quips and started wondering what he’d make for breakfast, because Sazed emerged with a smile on his face, too. “ _Whistling_ this morning, are we? That’s certainly new.”

 _Was_ he? He’d never been caught _whistling_ before. “Guess so,” he shrugged.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Dunno! Just happy, I guess.” One lie and one truth. Sazed’s smile was so killer. “Anyway, what’cha want for breakfast? I was thinkin’--”

When Sazed leaned in for a kiss, it was something _so_ passionate and wonderful Taako nearly lost his train of thought, but he managed to keep a little bit of a hold on it. “Golly, gee _whiz,_ ” he gasped, and then was almost embarrassed for sounding like a total fucking square. “‘m not the only one happy this morning, huh?”

“Certainly not, love,” Sazed cooed. “I actually thought today I might surprise _you_ with a breakfast.”

Well, _this_ was totally unexpected. “Holy _shit,_ no kidding?”

Sazed’s grin was so warm that Taako’s heart nearly melted for it. “No kidding to be found here, my elf. Not _this_ morning. Wait here a moment.”

Obediently, Taako waited as Sazed went out of the room, rocking a little on his heels. _Now_ he was humming, some little diddy he must’ve picked up from somewhere but couldn’t figure out where it came from, and he didn’t think too much of it. Didn’t want to deal with the static today, so he just observed the surroundings that were becoming more familiar to him than anything else had ever had the chance to become. Ears were alert and at the ready for any sign of movement from his fiance (what a word to say, to think! _defs_ another cause for giddiness).

The wait was worth it, natch. He could tell it from a glance. “...Froot Loops?”

At first, he was so caught off-guard that he didn’t know what to do with this. It was like his brain couldn’t quite process the visual information, the imagery of Sazed standing there _willingly_ with a box of the colorful sugary cereal he’d always denounced in his hands. Didn’t know when Sazed could’ve managed to go out and get some, if not for when Taako was asleep, and didn’t know why he would willingly bring them into his caravan when he’d always treated them like they were the scourge of the earth. He was wary, at first, that this was some kind of test that he didn’t want to fail, wringing his hands nervously and feeling his ears droop slightly.

“Uh,” he stammered, smiling as wide as he could still, “what? What the hell?”

Sazed laughed, something so _genuinely joyous_ that it was stupid for Taako to flinch so badly at it, but that stupidity wasn’t exactly unheard of, so. He just had to work on receiving positive attention, was all. Just wasn’t used to it. When his man flashed those most gorgeous pearly whites again, face all aglow, Taako felt a certain relief and peace seep into his bones that was so _real_ he had to sit down. “I know this must be quite the surprise for you, hm? After all, it’s no secret that I disapprove of these things and their strange hold on you.”

“I mean, yeah,” Taako stammered as he watched Sazed actually rummage around in the cupboard for a bowl and _produce_ one, setting it down in front of him without a second thought. The spoon soon followed, making its way into the bowl, and then the actual _loops_ followed by the pouring of milk. It was kinda too surreal to take in, if he were being honest. “I--I’m _pretty_ surprised, I’ll admit that, my guy. What’s the… ...what’s the catch? You running a fever or somethin’? Feeling okay?”

“No catch at _all,_ I promise,” Sazed assured him. “I just want today to be memorable for you, that’s all.”

“‘Zat so?” Taako asked, now daring to actually take a bite and enjoy the cereal as intended. Goddamn, it was… ...way better than he expected for a bunch of sugary junk that had gotten him into so much deep shit before. “Might be barking up the wrong tree then, bubbuleh. Dunno if you’ve noticed, but my memory ain’t exactly _tip-top._ ”

“Oh, I’m aware,” Sazed let him know, still looking pleased as punch. “I’m _more_ than aware, my sweet. But I can promise you this with confidence: today will be different.”

“Yeah? Why?”

“It’s just special, that’s all,” he drawled, voice smooth like honey. “Our last show before we tie the knot… ...that’s worth remembering, don’t you think?”

“Sure,” Taako tried not to sound as eager as he was. “I guess you could say that.”

“Yes,” his partner affirmed, “I could. Just trust me when I say this, Taako. This is going to be a day you won’t soon forget.”

Sazed smiled like the fox he was.

Taako was only relieved he hadn’t tipped his hand.

* * *

 

Glamour Springs was, in all truths, absolutely beautiful.

It was true that Lucretia didn’t really _give_ a shit, to be certain, but it was still worth noting. Obtaining the tickets for the train and boarding it had been so stressful for her, but she’d done it; the train ride itself had been nothing short of actual _torture_ and way too slow but she’d managed that too, scribbling frantic thoughts to herself and occasionally glancing out the window. Other people had the good sense not to bother a young woman who looked so _beside_ herself with anxiety, so deep in thought, although at one point she was offered a calming cup of tea and politely rejected it. There was no way she could eat; hell, she couldn’t even _sleep,_ not while knowing what was happening to Taako. She’d been up for well over twenty-four hours at _least,_ and that was being optimistic about the entire situation.

Getting the tickets for the show… ...well, she just had to hope that would work itself out. Occasionally she’d murmur reassuring things to Davenport, and he’d only echo his own name back at her, which made her so terribly sad. But she dressed him up nicely on the train so that he could resemble some sort of dignified person, and she offered him food and drink when it occurred to her. It _did_ help to have him nearby, to see a familiar face, to squeeze his hand as she stood in the ticket line surrounded by a _throng_ of enthusiastic fans. Most of them were sporting shirts with the show’s name on them; a few of them had Sazed’s face on them, and she shivered.

“Sorry, Miss,” the person taking tickets said, and her heart was already descending into the absolute pit of her stomach and making her nauseous. “I’m afraid we don’t have any tickets left! Just about the whole _town_ showed up for this one; we _love_ Sazed here.”

That much was obvious to her, and it made her angry. She swallowed that anger, though, keeping a tight grip on Davenport and trying not to lose the small gnome in such a wild crowd. This wasn’t her scene _at all,_ but she’d be _damned_ if she didn’t try to make her way in there, even if she had to _force_ it somehow. “Isn’t there _anything_ you can do? Please, it’s--it’s _vitally_ important that I get in there.”

The dwarf raised an eyebrow from on her stepping stool. “Why’s that? You’re not even from _around_ here.”

 _Thud thud thud thud thud,_ went Lucretia’s heart in response. She tried to ignore it. “I--I’m Taako’s _family,_ ” she blurted out without even thinking about it, nearly tearing up and trying her hardest to keep a stiff upper lip. “We _both_ are.”

“...The family resemblance is uncanny,” the dwarf said flatly. “Listen, I’m sorry, you’re obviously some kind of superfan with a lot going on emotionally, but we just can’t help you at this time.”

Lucretia thought about her options, watched the people start to filter in, and _cursed_ heavily under her breath. “Well, in that case, _I’m_ very sorry,” she informed the dwarven woman. “I would have liked to see it.”

“Yeah, yeah. So would the natives.”

She ignored this, making a big show of taking Davenport by the hand and leading him away, which lead to a somewhat confused--if earnest--repeat of his name once again. When they were far enough away, she began to concentrate, removing necessary components from her purse. “I wanted to do this the easy way,” she tried to tell the gnome next to her, only to be met with a blank stare a thousand yards long. “I really, truly did. But desperate times call for desperate measures, right?”

“Davenport,” he informed her helpfully, nodding seriously.

For a moment, if she didn’t know better, she would think he almost understood her. Almost got there. It wasn’t _true,_ but she thought of things like that often. Thought she could see just a glimmer of his former self in those hollow, heartbreaking eyes. Things like this were exactly why she needed to _focus;_ Taako wasn’t numbly repeating his name over and over, but she should have figured he would be the second most affected. His entire _history_ was rewritten, his other half; of course he’d be lost and vulnerable without Lup, and she hated herself for ever thinking she didn’t need to keep close tabs on him.

But now wasn’t the time for self-loathing.

Now was the time for action.

With a deep breath and ashes and spruce in her palms and wand her hand, she did what she had to do.

Lucretia cast Pass without Trace.

In the warm evening glow of Glamour Springs, with the sun making its last attempt to shed its light on her and her companion, she managed to slip past everyone undetected. By the time they were inside, they were so lost in a sea of enthusiastic people that no one would have noticed they didn’t belong anyway. She ignored the long line for merchandise; she made herself as scarce as possible, trying to linger off to the side of the theatre without much of a fuss. Thankfully, she was good at this, making herself unimposing and meek. It seemed that, too, was a skill that not everyone possessed. She made her way as politely as she could through the crowd, ignoring every visual detail except that familiar face.

When she finally spotted him, it was too late.

The show was starting. They opened to _raucous_ applause, which should have made her as happy as it evidently did the elf her gaze was affixed to at the moment. He was _glowing,_ radiant with joy; she couldn’t spot any evidence of physical abuse on him as Barry had claimed, but she knew his face was covered with makeup anyway. She _knew_ not to trust it, and she held her breath, trying not to look at the chef next to her friend with all the loathing in the world.

“Hope this doesn’t _alarm_ anyone too much,” Taako was trilling, in the kind of voice she knew he used when he was enjoying attention, “but we’ve got some news before we start. Innit that right, Sazed?”

“That’s absolutely right, Taako.” Sazed’s voice was… ...too cheerful. Charismatic, almost. If she had been _anyone else_ in this room, she might have been charmed by it; he did look so dapper, so made for the stage. His smile was so dazzling and his posture was so upright and he knew when to spare a wink towards someone in the audience. How to look at a crowd and make each person feel he was staring at them _individually,_ and granting them a personal experience. It was something that nearly made her _start_ as though he’d recognize her as the woman who dropped Taako off in the first place, as though he’d _know_ she didn’t belong.

But he didn’t.

“It’s joyous news, for the most part,” Sazed continued, “although maybe a bit sad for you devoted and delightful fans out there. You see, Taako and I have recently become… ...engaged to be wed. Why don’t you show them your ring, hm?”

Bless him, Taako did, absolutely _beaming_ as people applauded him.

She was going to be sick.

Sazed laughed. “Yes, yes, I know. It’s a very special occasion, and I’m just thrilled to announce it to the rest of you. There’s no one I’d rather break this news to than my loyal fans here at the Springs, after all.” _Ugh._ “But unfortunately, that does mean we’ll be taking something of a hiatus soon. We’ll be wed and then honeymooning for a bit, you see.”

Everyone around her, with the exception of Davenport who she liked to think at least still had enough sense not to fall for this garbage, let out a simultaneous “aww.” She could have _screamed_ about it; she still didn’t, although she had to be reminded by a little sound from Davenport that she was probably crushing his hand just a tad. She was tense.

“But don’t fret,” Sazed assured them all. “We’ll be back soon enough. In the meantime, please enjoy this preparation of one of my signature dishes, the thirty clove garlic chicken with an elderberry garnish. My lovely assistant and fiance Taako will help me in preparing this dish, of course. Taako, if you would help us get started?”

“You _got_ it, Sazed,” Taako crowed, “but before I do, I gotta confess somethin’. I’ve been working on a little surprise of my _own!_ ” He winked.

“You don’t say?” Sazed asked, and it was worryingly impossible for Lucretia to tell whether or not he knew about this ahead of time.

“Oh, but I _do,_ ” the elf responded with all of his usual theatrics and dramatics, and with a surprising bit of flame and a puff of smoke, he produced the Umbrastaff in his hand. She nearly stopped breathing at the sight of it in his clutches, so like his sister and so unaware of it, holding it as though he were so sure of himself. Everyone gasped and then applauded, unsure of where this was going. “Now, I know what y’all are thinking,” he kept going, starting to saunter around the stage. “Looks like an ordinary umbrella, right? Not even _raining_ in this fine city, huh? Well, you’re wrong as _hell,_ Glamour Springs. Check _this_ shit out, why don’t you?”

She watched as ingredients began floating all around him almost effortlessly, and he made weaving them into one singular dish with magic something of an art form. Maybe a parlor trick, too; it was equal parts showy and ostentatious as it was almost strangely beautiful, to watch the control he exercised over this magic he’d practiced unknowingly for well over a century and the passion he’d always held for food made tangible in a way she’d never quite witnessed. A tear came to her eye, honestly, at just how at _home_ he looked with Lup’s staff in his hands, waving it effortlessly and stunning the crowd.

“Taako,” Sazed finally gasped, “I had no _idea_ you were so talented.”

“That’s _right,_ ” he let Sazed know, “zero to culinary _hero_ in no time flat! How’s _that_ taste?”

Evidently, people were going to find out. Sazed watched Taako with something that Lucretia could only assume was admiration, but slightly askew--slightly _wrong_ . Something was… ...wasn’t right about it, she realized with a cold and sudden clarity, but it was too late by the time she realized what she needed to do. The bastard had already let Taako know that since he worked so hard, would he please do the honor of letting everyone _try_ his masterwork?

When a plate of it was passed on to her, she didn’t eat it. Held it dumbly.

Watched as the first person got sick. Second person. Third person.

A whole sea of people, keeling over. Pale. Vomiting. She watched it as though she were outside of herself, grip so tight on Davenport she was probably nearly bruising his hands, beside herself and paralyzed with horror as they all began to go down. She kept the gnome from eating any, but she suspected she didn’t have to; there were some things he knew on an instinctual level, probably.

“Taako,” Sazed cried, “what have you _done?_ ”

Lucretia watched as Taako made almost direct eye contact with her, as though some part of him were pleading for help. He searched her face, dazed and confused and instantly dissociated in a way with which she was hauntingly familiar, looking for all the world like a lost child in need of a mother. He couldn’t quite make the connection, couldn’t figure out who she was, and after a moment his eyes glazed over _entirely_ in a way that let her know he wasn’t even at home anymore, the horror of the situation overtaking him so completely.

“I… I don’t know,” he stammered, looking right through the world.

“Someone alert the local militia,” a survivor in the crowd was begging.

Lucretia hadn’t even noticed she dropped her plate.

 

 

* * *

 

This was the sequence of things:

dark.  
nothing.  
dead.  
nothing.  
vague awareness.  
nothing.

For a long time, Lup was alone.

It was impossible to tell how long it was. She let that bastard Rockseeker get the best of her, and by then it was too late. The body was dead, decaying; she was… ...witnessing it. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know what happened to her, although she _was_ one in a lot of senses of the term. The Umbrastaff consumed the magic of defeated wizards and users of the craft, and well--welp, there weren’t a lot of other terms for being poisoned and left for dead in a cave, were there?

So when she could have enough consciousness, it was all she could just to repeat the one fact she knew. _I’m in the umbrella I’m in the umbrella my name is Lup Taaco and I’m trapped inside a goddamn umbrella._ It was all she could do to keep a grip on herself, on her already tenuous sanity as a lich and emotional presence. For a while, it was the only thing grounding her, that this room with thick curtains billowing out and obfuscating thought and words wasn’t _real,_ that she knew exactly who she was and where she was and why she was there. It didn’t do much to empower her on a personal level; she was so afraid for her family, and then so depressed that she couldn’t even _feel_ any of them, that she didn’t even touch magic for a little while. But it kept her… ...a person, not just feelings.

And that was important for a lich. In her position. Or ever.

A person. Not just your feelings.

Being trapped in an umbrella that was inside a cave and non-sentient for all the world had its perks, though, she guessed. Well, more like she eventually figured it out after she got bored of just sitting around on her ass and moping because she started to meditate. In life, and even a sort of just… ...not-quite-life-but-not-quite-death either, she hadn’t ever been able to focus enough to do it; was supposed to be essential for elves, but neither she nor her brother had been afforded the luxury of being able to slow down enough. Her attention span was _shit,_ actually, when it came to almost everything that wasn’t her chosen form of magic or cooking or her weird flair for languages. But the silence of it all, the crushing loneliness? It was gonna eat her alive in here. She knew that for a _fact._

So she started… ...focusing in.

On… ...her magic. On elements. On the one thing that had always made sense to her: fire. And then when she could feel its warmth and hear its crackle, feel the way it sizzled underneath her fingertips and became a common companion, she let herself cozy up to it. It wasn’t quite being able to sense things _outside_ of the staff, but it gave her enough of a tangible _feeling_ to help her stay tethered, to remind her of what she could do. Remind her of her own personal power and strength. It… ...spread, the way fires do, not only to the outside of her being but to its very _fabric,_ melded and meshed with her to the point where they became inseparable, and from there it sparked something else. A knowledge that if she could just… ...make the flame outside, even just once, even for a second?

Then that would be fucking _something._

Someone would understand that she needed _help;_ someone would know that umbrellas didn’t just _spit flame_ on their own, hopefully. And maybe, it would help her growing awareness of the things outside the staff (which, from what she could kind of vaguely tell, were a whole bumfuckload of _nothing_ at all. Literally it was the most boring cave in the world, no exaggeration). So she… ...learned to take that flame she felt covering every inch of her, and extend it. She could… ...learn to tell by the fire, vaguely, whether or not people were near. Some of them had spotted her and _literally_ run off screaming into the night.

Basic bitches.

And then, one day, she heard something clearer than she ever had before.

She heard Taako.

Didn’t know how she had wound up with him; thought maybe she could pick out Barry, somehow? But wasn’t sure. She heard her _brother,_ her _twin,_ and that was all that mattered to her at first. Surely he would know something was wrong if he’d found her Umbrastaff, that something was rotten in Fantasy Denmark, out of _anyone._ She’d been beside herself with what she thought might’ve been joyous tears, actually, because she knew then that she hadn’t been abandoned and forsaken in that cave by everyone she knew, everyone she loved, _especially_ her brother. And all he had to do was snap it, which he’d figure out to do, and she’d be free--

\--but something was wrong.

This Taako was… ...different.

She heard him react to her--the staff, it was _important_ to keep those things as separate as possible, thank you very much--with… ...confusion. Surprise. Couldn’t make out his exact words, but there was something about the way he talked that was just so confused, and then--and then so meek, and then so _scared._ She remembered what Magnus had said once about talking to animals, the way they picked up on the tone and not the words, and that’s what it felt like at first, listening to this version of her brother.

It wasn’t Taako _now,_ but it reminded her of Taako _when._

 _Way_ back when.

She fucking hated it.

That was like, the second thing Lup hated.

The third thing was gradually starting to understand the words. In bursts. Trying to piece together meaning like the world’s most hopeless and terrible puzzle. “Umbrella,” was the first thing she learned to understand in his voice. “Umbrella, umbrella,” he whispered at her, confided in her. “Umbrella.” Then she started to understand… ...requests? Which she did her best to fulfill, even if they were all weird things like “make these nuts float in the air and turn into other shit” and she was unfamiliar with transmutation magic on the whole. That’s _your_ thing, Taaks, she’d try to gently remind him.

She hadn’t seen his face in so long; she couldn’t tell what he was like now.

Those things, though? They were small pickings compared to what she _began_ to understand. Which was that… ...he was with someone else. “Szz.” “Szz.” Like the buzzing of an incessant bee, which probably wasn’t nice to think of somebody and their name when she hadn’t even met the dude, but fuck it. Because Taako felt like he had to keep her _secret_ from “Szz.” Because they’d like, never fucking _had_ secrets in the first place, and she didn’t know why he felt like this person couldn’t know about an _umbrella,_ but it sat super wrong and heavy in a gut she didn’t even have. Because sometimes he was so happy--so _happy._ “Szz,” “Szz! Szz, Szz.”

And then she caught him… ...not so happy.

Afraid. Sad. Lost. “Szz.”

The thing she hated _most_ was when she started realizing he was using her name. He didn’t realize it, and--and sometimes the both of them talked about her like they didn’t know they were talking about her, which was stupidly frustrating. But he was almost always scared, ashamed, being chided; “Szz” fucking _hated_ “Lup.” He hated the _sound,_ the structure, the mere _suggestion_ of it, and so--so fuck you, “Szz,” she fucking hated him back _tenfold._

 _Fucking fuck you,_ she raged from inside. He _can use my name._ You _can’t. Get bent._

When Lup finally decided she couldn’t take it anymore, it was because she started hearing, like…

...yelling.

Thuds. Slaps. Protests. From her brother.

It was hard to explain, the way it dawned on her what was happening. Difficult to even put into words, which she hadn’t even _used_ in so long, how much she nearly lost every bit of herself and all of her edges that kept her from careening off the edge into pure hatred and hurt and tears she couldn’t even shed. It took all of her willpower to keep herself together once she figured it out, took all of her restraint not to become the wailing and howling slave to magic that some of the spellbooks had warned her and Barry they could become without a proper tether. And you know what? She was fucking pissed at _him,_ too, wherever he was, for not doing anything about this situation.

Fuck anyone who ever left her alone.

Fuck anyone who ever left her to die.

But especially fuck anyone who dared fuck with her brother.

On the day she finally broke free, there was… ...something bad. Something bad and wrong and awful going on outside. She didn’t know what it was--she just knew Taako had never sounded so small, so far away, so afraid. And “Szz” had never sounded so fucking _angry,_ had never smacked him so hard into the wall, had never fucking been so frightening even to _her._

“This _ends now,_ ” the other man said, clearer than she’d ever heard anything.

And the Umbrastaff broke against the wall.

Lup didn’t take time to truly survey the surroundings. She didn’t care. She was free, a fireworks display, to run _rampant_ on this world if she wanted to; she could’ve raised all the Hell she was capable of and rained it all down on everyone, made them all pay for leaving her and getting her twin into such a predicament and she--she felt like an animal, _snapping_ , backed up against a corner, fire on all sides. Phantasmal, resplendent, reborn.

Revenge.

And then she saw him, up against the wall. Damaged and bleeding and broken in more ways than she knew to understand, trembling like a leaf. She saw the way his hat wasn’t on him, the way he was dressed in clothes she didn’t know like he’d been when they were kids and he was trying to make a few quick bucks. She saw his eyes, so confused and far away like--like a child who just couldn’t understand, didn’t know what was happening, and saw how afraid he was of _her,_ and how he was cupping his hands over his ears like he was trying to stop some noise she couldn’t hear.

That was all she needed to see.

She turned to the other figure.

“Are you the one,” she asked, “who’s been hurting my brother out here?”

To his credit, the slime that called itself “Sazed” according to his clothing was… ...terrified. Was caught off-guard, bewildered. Overwhelmed by her power and basking unwillingly in her radiant glory and she could’ve bottled that feeling of watching him cower and kept it for herself. “Who… ...who are you?”

“I’m _Lup,_ you fucker.”

He blanched. “Lup…?”

“Yup,” she spat, “you best believe. And I have some news for you.”

“You’re probably not gonna like it, but here goes…” She circled him like a fire tornado, a whirlwind of hurt and anger and _spitfire._ “ **I’m gonna fucking kill you now.** ”

In his last moments, Sazed sizzled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have literally never been more proud or excited to get to a point of a story in my entire life. i really hope this paid off and you enjoyed this part, because. boy howdy have i been looking forward to it. thanks for all your love and support. <3 always.


	15. Chapter 12, pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lup has a plan.  
> Lucretia regrets hers.  
> Taako gets some rest.

Lup’s mind was an actual fucking whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. Once the fucker was dead and fried to an actual crisp, it was so difficult for her not to lose her grip and become swallowed up by rage and victory, and she had to… ...had to steady herself. Had to extinguish the fires that sprung up around him, had to try to calm down, had to… ...had to…

...had to tend to her brother, his eyes wide with fright and body trembling.

“Taako,” she said in a moment of realization, and then he was all that mattered. She started to float towards him so slowly, trying not to trigger any reflexes or reactions, but he whimpered so fiercely it was _almost_ like screaming as he backed up against the wall and tried to find his footing. “Taako, baby, please listen to me--”

“Lup,” he was saying under his breath, but he looked _terrified._ “Oh, no, oh no, oh no, no, no…”

“Taaks, baby--”

“ _No,_ ” he wailed a little more emphatically, looking nauseous and dizzy and _clawing_ at his ears frantically. “No, no, _no,_ no.” He was… ...he was hyperventilating. It… ...hurt how afraid he looked of her, how hurt, how confused. He tried again to make it to his feet and managed a weak attempt before immediately keeling over and getting sick, whimpering some more and holding a hand up. “Please, _don’t,_ ” he begged her, “please, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so _sorry,_ please don’t hurt me, please… Please, please, please, _please._ ”

She stopped her descent. Um, fuck. “Taako, baby,” she tried as gently as possible, “I won’t hurt you. I promise. Don’t you remember me?”

Her brother looked… ...so _sick_ at this, dry-heaving and clutching his ears. “No, no, no, no… ...no, don’t--don’t.” He twitched, looking all for the world like an abused animal, and she fucking hated it, but she stopped coming towards him. “Please, please, please, please. I--I was bad, I was soooo bad, I was as bad as it gets, please don’t--please please please.” Now he was staring into space, eyes glazed over, still huddled and whimpering. “Please.”

Lup felt so… ...angry. That was the word, the emotion alive in her nonexistent heart--fucking anger, she was _livid_ at what a shitty hand Fate had dealt both of them, at what had happened in her absence, at her loved ones especially for not _saving_ Taako from whatever this was. It was easy for her to figure out that it was Fisher, once she stopped to think about it--it was _less_ easy for her to try not to be even angrier at Lucretia for doing this somehow, and even more difficult for her to try to understand… ...why. Why would Lucretia resort to this _at all?_ Why didn’t anyone realize she was _inside the umbrella_ the entire time? Why--why--why-- _why?_

It was the sound of her brother’s breath that got her to snap back into focus. Away from all the heartbreak and hurt. “Baby,” she tried, voice a little shakier than she wanted it to be, “Taako, honey. I won’t hurt you, okay?”

“What did you do to him,” Taako hissed in response, eyes too far away. “Please, please, please, please. Why-- _why--why._ ”

 _Dude deserved an ass-kicking,_ she would’ve said in different circumstances. But this was… ...different, because he didn’t remember her and she’d just killed somebody he _knew_ for reasons he probably didn’t understand. Lup was not a gentle person by any stroke of the imagination; she was a spitfire and sassy as all get out, but she knew she wanted to try for him. She knew she _had_ to try for him. “Taako, I--”

“Don’t--don’t--don’t _fucking_ get near me,” he yelped, trying to scramble backward. “Don’t _fucking_ touch me, don’t get near me, leave me _alone._ You’re the reason everything--everything always fucked up for me.” And as scared and helpless as he was, at that moment her twin brother was also full of rage, rage that filled his eyes with hot and angry tears. “Always loops, huh? _Fuck_ you.”

Ow. “Taako, _please_ just listen to me for a few _seconds--_ ”

“It was always _you,_ ” he spat, and right then she knew he _hated_ her down to her guts. He didn’t know why, but he was trembling with rage and hatred and venom and she couldn’t shield herself from it. It wasn’t fair of her to get too emotional; she had to remind herself that he--he didn’t mean it. He didn’t know to mean it. “You always got me in _trouble,_ and--and now you’ve--oh, Sazzy. Sazed, _no…_ ”

Her stomach twisted at the thought of him missing that abusive psychopath and then twisted even _more_ knowing that all he knew was she’d murdered his partner in cold blood. Fuck. “I’m sorry, Taako,” she finally choked out, trying not to lose herself in the depth of emotion she felt. “I’m so, so _sorry._ I know it’s hard to trust anything right now, but if you--if you just come with me, everything’s gonna be _okay._ ” If it was Fisher, then she could fix it, fix him. She knew it was true.

“Why the hell _should_ I,” he snarled, the angriest she’d heard him since she got trapped in Umbrellaville. “Stay--stay _away_ from me, you understand? You--you stay away from me, you--you leave me _alone._ I don’t want anything to _do_ with you. You--you’ve **_ruined my life!!_ ** I had--I had a _good gig_ goin’ here, wasn’t much but it was finally somethin’, I was getting places, ‘n’ you, ‘n’ you-- **_you took EVERYTHING FROM ME._ ** ”

Ow, fuck. Shit. “But what about the poisoning?” She didn’t mean to ask about it. It slipped out.

As soon as she did, she regretted it, because he folded and made himself so small and far away, gagging again. “No--no--no--no-- _no…_ This can’t be happening this is a dream a nightmare this isn’t happening this isn’t--this isn’t--”

Right on cue, the sound of footsteps. Lup was on the alert pretty much immediately. “Babe, listen, if--if we don’t get out of here, there’s gonna be _big_ trouble. We _gotta_ go. You don’t have to like me or trust me, you can ditch me, but we have to _leave_ first.”

This time, he was so dazed he let her take his hand. She wished he didn’t look so fucked up, but it was her only option as she tried to get him out of there. Tried and tried until she ran right into--

“Lucretia?”

She paled as though she’d seen a ghost, reflexively stepping back. “Lu… ...Lup? What--it’s--it’s _you?_ ”

 _Of_ course _it’s me,_ she wanted to snarl. _It was me the whole time! Couldn’t you tell? Wasn’t it_ obvious _what happened to me? Who the hell else would it be?_ Or… ...maybe not a snarl, no. Maybe more of a desperate cry, a haunting question, an anger bubbling outwardly to mask a deep hurt and inward sorrow. It didn’t matter, though; she had to ground herself, and again she used her brother to do it, felt his trembling hand in hers and knew she couldn’t fail them. “Yeah, it is,” she finally settled on, “so you blowin’ this popsicle stand with us or what?”

To Lucretia’s credit, she got over herself super quickly, nodding seriously. “Of… ...of course I am. I’m right behind you both.”

“Good,” Lup said, and she meant it more than she could process. “Then let’s hustle.”

There was no word from Taako; he was so dazed and confused, swaying and looking sickly, and he just let her tug him along. Dissociation was probably working its magic right now, because he looked nearly catatonic for how far away he was and how much he couldn’t process. Lucretia glanced at him worriedly, and when he finally murmured something like, “Where we goin’...?” it sounded more like the words of a sleepwalker.

“That’s it, T,” she reassured him, rubbing his hand as Lucretia worked some Abjuration magic to get them past a panicked crowd of people and police undetected. “Doin’ so good, baby. Just a little farther, one foot in front of the other, right? Shh.”

“Sazed,” he babbled, looking confused again as he glanced back, “I--look at this mess… I gotta make sure Sazed’s okay, I gotta--”

The truth was too painful. She knew it then as she led him out of that place, as she held on tight to him and Lucretia held Davenport (who looked _super_ fucked up, and was only saying his name, so that was cool) in a similar way. She didn’t let herself think about the emotions of it all, the feelings until she had a minute to stop and wait for Lucretia to board the train out of here with the two twins secretly in tow. Then it nearly hit her, threatened to buckle her, as she sat in the seat and tried to use a decidedly incorporeal form to huddle over him and protect him. Lup was surprised to find herself still capable of tears, and they rolled down her face as she kept them both warm like a campfire, like being outcast but never alone.

“Where’s Sazed,” Taako asked again. His voice was flat, far away, not understanding.

“Shh. It’s okay, Taako. I know you can’t handle it right now, but you’re safe. With me.”

“I only ask because,” he tried again, voice dreamy and robotic. “You know, we have a… ...a show…? In um, Glamour… ….Glamour…”

He trailed off.

“‘m sorry,” he finally admitted, somehow staying curled up in her arms even as she was phantasmal at best. “I um, I don’t think I know what’s… ...what’s happening.” He was trying to justify his own confusion, to work through it even as he didn’t understand. “Am I dreaming…?”

She considered this question. “No,” she decided. “No, I’m so sorry, but you aren’t.”

“‘kay.” He had been so angry before, livid before with her, but the truth was so ugly that he wiped it clean himself, even without a magical jellyfish to help him do the dirty work. Now he was just so lost, curled up in the seat like he didn’t deserve to take up space in it, staring out ahead at nothing in particular and trembling. Her ghost just tried to keep him warm, because that’s what she could always do, even if he didn’t understand what was going on or who she was to him. “I don’t know where I am.”

“I know, Taako. It’s okay, baby.”

“You’re warm,” he noted distantly.

“Mhm,” she confirmed. “I’m always here, Taako. I’ll help keep you safe. I swear.”

He hadn’t even looked at her, hugging his knees. “Are we going to Glamour Springs? I have a show there.”

Don’t break, Lup. He needs you to be strong right now. “No, no. No, Taaks.”

His mind skipped over this like a record. “Where’s my umbrella?”

Weirdly, this is what did it. It took a moment, but she was on the edge of breaking now, and a desperate look to Lucretia got her to take over for a moment. Lup watched with guilt as Lucretia spoke so calmly to Taako, so evenly in a way she’d never seen before, talking about giving him some journal and always admiring his work. She wished she could help, but she… ...she was an emotional creature, so she… ...fuck, she needed a second. And she just listened to him ramble away until he all but passed out, huddled up and frightened, as she kept herself near.

“What the fuck happened,” she asked Lucretia. Her tone was surprisingly flat.

“I--I’m so sorry,” she stammered. “Without you, I--I wasn’t sure what to do. I was doing what I thought was right, I tried to give him a good life--”

“Doesn’t matter,” she found herself saying, voice cold and even. “Yeah, actually? Fuck this. I don’t care why you did it. I just want you to fix it.”

“What about what _you_ did?” Lucretia looked surprised to find the question coming out of her mouth, more emotional and angry than either of them could’ve anticipated.

“ _Excuse_ me?”

Her eyes widened, and her body language screamed awkward and ashamed and anxious, but Lucretia kept going, trembling something awful. “You--you heard me. What about what _you_ did, Lup? You left us _all_ alone, with nothing but a note. We--we couldn’t last without you. How could you… ...how could you do this? How could you _do_ that to him, to Barry, to… ...to me?”

Oh, fuck. She… ...she was on some kind of edge. Things that made her elven, made her real, started snapping out of focus. Stupid fucking lich stuff. “‘cretia,” she tried, voice hopefully soft and careful, “I can’t really… ...have this conversation right now. We gotta table it, ‘kay? I--I don’t wanna--I wanna be able to--I gotta keep it together for him, okay?”

Thankfully, the other girl got it totally, backing off instantly and looking embarrassed for letting herself get carried away. “Oh, of… ...of course. I’m--I’m--it doesn’t feel enough to say I’m sorry, um. Don’t worry. I… I’m going to fix it. I--I can fix it.”

Lup tried to care about what she had to say, but most of her attention was so fixated on Taako, trying to keep him warm and comfortable and soothe him when he started to shiver. It was good he was sleeping; there wasn’t much he could handle in his current state anyway, and gods knew he’d earned a rest after being framed by that dick he was saddled to. “They’re gonna be lookin’ for him,” she realized, voice as quiet as she could manage as she kept watch over him. “They’re gonna suspect _him,_ not _me._ What’re we gonna do? Feed it to Fisher?”

They could do that, right? Erase that fucker from all existence. Erase him from Taako’s mind, Taako’s being, so he was untouched. So that… ...so that Sazed could never hurt him ever again, not in thought, not anywhere. They could rewrite it all, give him a happier life with a snap of the fingers, right?

But Lucretia looked unsure, quiet now.

“I don’t… ...know about that.”

Lup immediately snapped upright. “What d’you _mean_ you don’t know? So what, you’re cool erasing _me_ from the whole of existence, but erasing an abusive scumbag’s goin’ a li’l too far?” The fire inside her got sparked by the slightest provocation; she felt like snarling, abandoning moral codes to burn it all to the ground, but her brother was still there to tether her and keep her calm.

“It’s not _like_ that,” Lucretia managed, face pained, “I promise. It’s just if we erase him in the same manner that I rewrote things, then we can’t… ...we can’t ever take it back. The memories of you, of losing you, of his former life. If we… ...if we erase Sazed, and then try to bring all the knowledge that Fisher has erased back into awareness, then--”

“Fuck,” Lup whispered. “Then he’d have to remember it all anyway.”

“Something like that,” Lucretia stammered, “yes.”

Lup considered this, for a moment, and then tried her hardest to shut her emotions off. “This fucking bites.”

“Yeah. And also we’d have to get him to trust us to--to inoculate him anyway, which--”

“--is gonna take time,” she sighed. Didn't entirely get the innoculation thing, but whatever; Lucretia had more experience. “Yeah, okay. I get it. Fuck. Okay, well… ...I guess the first thing we gotta do is let him know we’re not gonna hurt him.” Good thing she knew him better than anyone else in the entire multiverse. I mean, yeah, there was the whole _I burned your fiance to a crisp right in front of you and it was supes traumatic for you to witness_ thing, but there was nothing they couldn’t handle, right? Family overcame everything. They’d always had one another. She listened to him whimper in his sleep and soothed him so softly. “You got anywhere for us to stay?”

Lucretia averted her eyes. “Well, I--I’ve just been living on the ship with Davenport--”

“Davenport,” said the cap’n, as though confirming this.

It was weird to see him so fucked up.

“--but I know Barry has a cave somewhere.”

“A _cave?_ My boy’s living in a fucking _cave? Shit,_ you get poisoned and devoured by your own umbrella for like five seconds ‘n’ everything really goes straight to Hell. Ugh.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucretia said again.

It didn’t help anything, so Lup dismissed it. “Whatever. All I know is that you need to fix the cap’n ‘n’ I need to find Barry. We can figure out the rest later.”

She could see Lucretia’s panic from a mile away. “I can’t imagine how angry he’s going to be at me,” she tried.

“Yeah, well, I’m pretty fucking angry too, Luce,” she sighed. “But think about it. Cap’n’s good at keeping calm ‘n’ figuring shit out. We fix him, I get Barry, that’s two more people to help us with all this stuff, right? And let’s face it, we…” Lup glanced down at her brother, bruised and battered and broken and curled up like he was trying to protect himself. “...we’re gonna need a lot of help.”

“Fair point,” Lucretia allowed. “Okay. I… I’m in.”

“Sweet,” Lup intoned without much feeling. “Time to start unfuckin’.”

She’d do it, she knew, for her brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy fuck, this thing isn't dead, can you believe it???? i hope it's literally any good at all after so long 9_6; thanks to those still reading 'n' supporting me!! <3 had a pretty cool time recently; i got to go to Podcon and meet Clint McElroy, and then Travis sat behind me on the airplane back and i met him *too,* but boy did it take some spoons out of me. HOPE Y'ALLS NEW YRS ARE GOIN GR8, BYE

**Author's Note:**

> well, here we go. short prologue but i have Plans for this one. hope it's... not terrible!!!


End file.
